PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. .. .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked? THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer
can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia. LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough. STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging
character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus
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| Edited: 08/02/08 16:06 |
 Another one from The Weakest Link and I heard this with my own ears! Anne Robinson: Which member of the Royal family represented GB at the Olympics? Contestant: <shrugs> Ricky Tomlinson...?
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Permission to say 'arse'....
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 Have really enjoyed the jokes & here's my contribution.. A man walks into a pub & asks for a pint of anything but stella, "what's up with stella?" asks the barman. "Well, last night I bought 12 pints of stella & when I got home I was fucking skint" says the man. "Well, says the barman, if you bought 12 pints of any beer you'd spend plenty.." "No! says the man, skint's my jack russell... "
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 two mexicans in the desert these men had been there for days after their truck had broken down. they had plenty of water but had no food at all. after a while with belly rumbling one says "can you smell bacon?" Luis sniffs sure enough there is a strong small of bacon in the air "eh pedro perhaps eet is a mirage" pedro shakes his head "eh no my ferind I have never heard of the mirage being a smell" Pedro climbs a dune and peers over the top "Eh luis there is a bacon tree!" luis climbs the dune and peers over the top. sure enough there is a large tree with bacon hanging from it. great sides of smoked bacon and freshly sizzling rashers glinting in the sun. Luis tears off down the slope and is just about to reach the tree when a machine gun opens up cutting him down. He is clearly mortally wounded but turns round and croaks "Pedro! go back! ees not a bacon tree ees a ham bush!"
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| Edited: 13/02/08 14:24 |
 Where's the 'groan' emoticon thingy?
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 What joke? Wasit a West Ham bush then? Usually you only get machine gunned going to see Millwall play away! 
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Max goes to India, a blog about a young man's travels in the grauniad. Scroll down to read the comments like we don't hate you because you're young, we just mock you because you're crap. It's not your fault, of course, you're just too young to know how truly crap this particular crap is, at every level. You will one day, and you will wince.
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After 20 years of marriage, a couple were lying on the sofa one evening, when the missus felt her husband began to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Bert that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
I found the remote," he mumbled.
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 I was told this by a friend the other day: Its about her cousin.My friends cousin was talking to a friend about ‘bumming’, as in gay sex. When his mother overheard and came over and asked what he was talking about as she was shocked to hear such talk. He replied‘Oh don’t be so nosey, ‘bumming’, its just what you say when your like hanging around with someone, you know ‘bumming about’’, and his mum believed this and was on her way. A few weeks down the line this kid bought a girl round that he was seeing. And his mum says‘Oww, got a new friend have you, you two been bumming’? LMAO, I would have loved to see his face, or hers for that matter!
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 An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon .....
.........
......... . . .
F*ck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
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| Edited: 19/02/08 14:40 |
 lol
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Strewth! Australian players learning to be gentlemen In another example, a player is with a girl who has had too much to drink. "Do you: (a) get her some water, (b) call her a taxi or (c) take her back to your place for sex?"
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 DMM, "The program deals with a number of things including attitudes to women, racial vilification, illicit drugs and responsible gambling," he said. because, of course, responsible gambling must be condemned!
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Windturbine in Denmark self destructs
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Blimey, similar effect to say... a small amount of explosives... 
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 a rugby player goes round to his mate's house, to see his new baby boy. His mate's wife says; "he's just been fed, would you like to wind him?" our hero replies; "that seems a bit harsh, how about I just give him a dead leg?"
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