A silly spoof but funny none the less in parts! Well spotted there DMM! You watch things like that-and yes I do realise it is only parodying American news broadcasts typically somewhat like that in presentation style-but it still makes you wonder does it not, just how ever could that nations' peoples have gone on to become the most powerful ever in this whole big world of ours!
West Yorshire Police have been questioning Shannon Mathews mum. Not about why Shannon disapeared but how the fuck she got five different men to shag her.
Handy Tip - next time you go on your hols when you board your plane, start singing the Iraqi national anthem. If anyone else joins in....................GET THE FUCK OFF QUICK.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
A Nun and a Priest were crossing theSahara desert on a camel. On the <blockquote>Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive More than a day or two.'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it Out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might See yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her Shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he Fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was Sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can Give life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful .. Stick it up the camel's arse and let's get the fuck out of here!'<img title="Big Grin" src="http://www.granalacantplaza.eu/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gif" /> <img title="Big Grin" src="http://www.granalacantplaza.eu/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gif" /> <img title="Big Grin" src="http://www.granalacantplaza.eu/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gif" />
An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris , one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"
Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, rec ycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England .." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The Englishman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"
Englishman: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England .."
After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France ?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
Englishman: "We don't. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France "
That one reminds me of a story told by a friend on his return from a holiday in Sri Lanka. He had taken a tour of a tea plantation, and in the processing factory the guide said "in these bins we put the finest tea, and this is sold in asia, here we put the tea we clean out of the machines, and that is drunk by the peasants, and here we put the tea we sweep off the floor, and that's what we send to England."
My friend Mike went into the local Wing Wah Chinese Restaurant here a few years ago back, Tony. He was asking about making an advance booking for ten of us in there. The old Chinese lady there would not book us, instead just saying: 'You wanna' talk to my sung, not me!'
For days after then,each time my mate went near the place he asked if My Sung was there that day, but no one seemed to know who that person was at all! Then we worked out that the old Chinese lady must have meant we just needed actually to speak to her son!
This is a really quite funny story I always think, about the late tycoon newspaper mogul Mr R. Maxwell! Yes the very same chap who was to be brought up on charges for robbing blind the pension fund of the Daily Mirror newspaper workers, and who then eventually wound up as a floater, dead in the sea in the Med near his huge luxury boat! Rumour being that he may well have alledgedly been bumped off on the orders of the Mossad, Israeli intelligence organisation; as he was reputedly one of their top agents for many years in the heart of the West, in the UK and US, where his multi-million pound media empire was long based! Why is it said that they bumped him off? Perhaps there something or other maybe to do with the fact that he was to be indicted and tried for his many dodgy deals financial crimes maybe, or too that he had let slip that he intended to do a tell all book autobiography of his own whole sorry rags to riches shady lifestory!Whatever, he was certainly known to be quite a rather nasty chap over all, and a bit of a power and control crazy bully to those that worked for him alledgedly too! That is why, for me at least, this story is so very funny here below! As it is supposedly a true real story too, that just somehow makes it all the more funnier all around!
One day Maxwell was in his outer office in the Daily Mirror HQ building in Central London. He was in his office alone, having sent out his rather long-suffering secretary for an errand to buy him something or other. Into the office came a guy with a clip-board and a parcel, and dressed in plain clothing. He wanted a delivery parcel to be signed for, as per usual by Maxwell's secretary!
'Where is she then? I need to get this parcel here signed for quick, please!', the chap asked the big newspaper boss.
'Just be bloody patient and wait for her to come back will you!', replied Maxwell, with growing displeasure apparently clear in his voice.
'Look mate, I can't hang around here waiting, I have a schedule to keep too you know, you sign for it then!', the man said to Maxwell.
Grabbing the pen, and clipboad from the parcel chap, Maxwell signed for the parcel looking most displeased indeed! He then threw the board and attached pen back at the delivery guy, and told him to get out of the office, fast!
'Actually, no, wait a minute will you, come here!' said the big news boss.
'How much do you earn in a week then pal?', Maxwell asked abruptly.
'A hundred and ten quid', replied the plain dressed parcel courier. (It was an eighties time and wage!)
'Right', said Maxwell, peeling open a fat roll of banknotes from his trouser pocket. And handing the man a wad of notes.' Here's three hundred quid, call it severence pay from me! Now piss off, don't ever come back again, you're fuc**ng well fired son!'
'Cheers boss!', said the delivery chap looking very straight faced serious, taking the money quickly, and folding it safely away in his shirt pocket. He walked to the door quickly, with the big Maxwell watching him closely behind in the room!
At the door, the parcel guy then stopped, and looked back, fixing Maxwell fullly in the eye. He then said, 'By the way matey, I don't actually bloody well work for you!', a big grin sat upon his face. As he left the room both he, and all others working in the far outer area, later reported hearing Maxwell laughing out very uncontrollably loudly to himself!
...the study found that women who want to have rugged male children must devour large handfuls of dry porridge while having sex in the back of a Land Rover.
