The Transformative Effects of Marriage on the Y-chromosome.
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .
After a few days they meet again..... The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long."
The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night."
The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.
My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"
A woman goes into her local ironmongers, asking for something to kill the rats around her bins ( she must live near Ian then!)'Any rat poison left?', she asks hopefully of the man at the sales counter there.
'Sorry love, fresh out of stock! Have you tried Boots yet at all?', the man replies.
'Boots! Boots! I wanna poison them, not kick em to bloody death!', says the angry woman.
Old joke I know FB! But likely some folks won't know it, perhaps!
Edit - nb - Or was it that you missed the earlier post perhaps about the bad rat problems they are having in Ian's neighbourhood of late-reference to the overfilling of household rubbish bins thread maybe?
It was reading that which made me think of the old joke above again, in the first place!
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.
Better to be safe than....................Punch a 5th grader Strike while the .........................Bug is close It's always darkest before............... Daylight Savings Time Never underestimate the power of..........Termites You can lead a horse to water but........how? Don't bite the hand that................. looks dirty No news is................................impossible A miss is as good as a...................Mr. You can't teach an old dog new............math If you lie down with dogs, you'll.........stink in the morning Love all, trust..........................me The pen is mightier than the..............pigs An idle mind is..........................The best way to relax Where there's smoke there's...............pollution Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents A penny saved is..........................not much Two's company, three's....................the Musketeers Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose. None are so blind as......................Stevie Wonder Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded If at first you don't succeed.............get new batteries You get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box When the blind leadeth the blind..........get out of the way
And the favorite:
Better late than.........................pregnant.
A Scottish gamekeeper sees a man cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn and shouts, 'Dinnae drink thon waatter! It's foo a coo's keech an' pish!'
The man replies, 'My good fellow, I'm English so could you repeat that to me in English please?'
The game keeper replies, 'I said, use two hands - you get more that way' <div align="left">
2 brand new looking tent poles for a Vango Tornado tent. The original tent was 1 metre high, and these poles have a "step" at 1m 10 for the flysheet. Overall length : 1.15 metres
The tent itself was Glastonburied and returned mouldy by son.
The above made me laugh, of the ace description of the 'dead' tent in question here! It comes from a Crawley Freecycle post on my area - Redhill - from the offered posts today.
A man suffering from dreadful headaches goes to his doctor who refers him to a specialist.
After examination he is told, "Your headaches are caused by your testicles pressing on your spine."
"Oh my God, is there a cure?"
"'Fraid not unless we remove your testicles"
"What, are you mad, no way", and off he goes but a week later still with blinding headaches, can't eat, can't sleep, he returns and says "OK, I guess I don't have a choice, Go ahead"
Castration over he leaves hospital feeling great. No headaches for the first time in years. Walking down the street he passes a tailor's shop. "Ah, I'll get my self a new suit." Enters shop and asks to try on suit.
"A fortyfour long, I think Sir"
"Yes, how did you know that?"
"Oh, I've been in this business a long time Sir"
Man buys suit, feels great. "Now Sir, a new shirt and tie to go with it? A 16 and a half I think"
That's amazing ,yes I'll take two"
"And some new underwear I think would be in order Sir. A thirty six,yes?"
Man laughs,"No, no, you're wrong there, I've only ever worn a thirtyfour"
"Wouldn't do that Sir, on a man your size a thirty four will cause your testicles to press against your spine and give you terrible headaches"
I was about to say sorry for lowering the tone, but thinking about it I doubt I could much...
Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place. Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream. Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross. Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, "I've always wanted to be like the guys, and urinate off a bridge." The other woman looks around and says, "well, I don't see anyone around, now's your chance!" The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to urinate, she looks over her shoulder. "Holly $h*t!" she exclaims, "I just pissed in a canoe!" Alarmed, the second woman hurries over, and peeks at the stream. "Calm down," she says. "That wasn't a canoe, it was only your reflection."
A man had lost one of his arms. One day he had enough.He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life. He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that man could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and kicking up his heels again. He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her pants and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of knickers and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. .. my wife came home with no knickers!!
''That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.''
'Any rat poison left?', she asks hopefully of the man at the sales counter there.
