I was at the cemetery yesterday and I saw these four pall bearers walking around with a coffin.......Two hours later,..
there they were....Still walking about with the same coffin
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I thought to myself:
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These silly buggers have lost the plot..!!

Austrians not amused at British tourists stealing their signs (contains language of Anglo-Saxon origin).

The survey was a huge failure because....:

In Africa they didn't know what 'food' means.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what 'honest' means.

In Western Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' means.

In China they didn't know what 'opinion' means.

In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' means.

In! South America they didn't know what 'please' means.

In the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' means.

BEER BEAR.

A bear walks into a bar in Canada and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, “We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Canada.”

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, “We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Canada.”

The bear, very angry now, says, “If you don’t serve me a beer, I’m going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.”

The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in Canada.”

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, he eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Canada who are on drugs.”

The bear says, “I'm NOT on drugs.”

The bartender says, “You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.”

Thoughts on taking a lathe with you when camping.

Just need to find a titanium one now..... 

Would you eat your friends if stranded in a blizzard? 

Take the cannibalism quiz

Nick Hughes wrote (see)

Apparently I'm 46% likely to eat my friends.....

Which 46% though? Are you a leg or a breast man?

Which 46% though? Are you a leg or a breast man?

Tell me where you walk and maybe you'll find out! Hahahahahahaha! (Very difficult to type an evil laugh)

Nick Hughes wrote (see)

... Hahahahahahaha! (Very difficult to type an evil laugh)

Well done, CB. Now, where do you walk? Mwahahahahaha!

Put my tea in the oven earlier, went to get it out 20 mins later - it had vanished - not a trace...?  That's the last time I buy those Mcann oven chips.

A 31 year old lady has been sexually assaulted with a hoover nozzle & left for dead.  Police say although she is intensive care, she's picking up nicely.

"Doctor, would you please kiss me" says the patient, "No, you are an attractive woman, but it is against my ethics" replies the doctor.  "please, just 1 kiss" she pleads. "sorry" says the doctor "it's out of the question, in all honesty you shouldn't even be sucking my c**k".

 I keep having my profile rejected by that dating site match.com - 1 of the questions is "what do you want in a woman?" apparantly "my c**k" is not an acceptable answer.

Inspiring story, human endurance, deep meaningful voice over etc. etc. ... just watch for the last three seconds of the vid.