Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a ship that had sunk. "Follow me son", the father shark said to his son, and they swam to the survivors.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
In this world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that many people who send text messages and emails have forgotten the use of capital (upper case) letters.
If you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:
"Capital letters are the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."
Twin sisters in St. Luke's Nursing Home in Ireland were turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa. The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other."Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer. Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!" The deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOODNESS - BOTH OF US?"
Two dwarfs go into a bar...Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again... ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed.."
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck"!"I see you're eyes are working" replies the duck."And you talk!" exclaims the landlord."I see you're ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?""Certainly," says the landlord, " sorry about that, it's just we don't get many talking ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?""I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for about 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ring leader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him: "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!""Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call, he could earn thousands"So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The landlord says,"Hey Mr Duck I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!""Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?""At the circus" says the landlord."The circus?" the duck enquires."That's right" replies the landlord."The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?""That's right!" says the landlordThe duck looks confused. "What the hell do they want with a plasterer?"
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money." "HE paid for the BMW I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season Man Utd tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, "What would you do?" The cabby replies, "I'd cover his arse with that blanket before he catches cold."
Baldrick: "What I want to know, Sir is, before there was a Euro there were lots of different types of money that different people used. And now there's only one type of money that the foreign people use. And what I want to know is, how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs"
Blackadder: "Baldrick. Do you mean, how did the Euro start?"
Baldrick: "Yes Sir"
Blackadder: "Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980s there were many different countries all running their own finances and using different types of money. On one side you had the major economies of France, Belgium,Holland and Germany, and on the other, the weaker nations of Sp ain, Greece, Ireland, Italy and Portugal. They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one Central Bank, and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a situation whereby financial meltdown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises."
Baldrick: "But this is sort of a crisis, isn't it Sir?".
Blackadder: "That's right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw with the plan."
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