An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company........ So off to the pet shop she went...... She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog...... As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her......
He whispered , "IM LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."
The old lady figured....WHAT THE HECK, she hadnt found anything else.
She bought the frog and put him in the car........
Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY"................
So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince. THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD LADY BACK.......... AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO???????????
SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND.................................
Hi all I`m a long time member but this is my first message so be kind. It was reported in my local paper that a local ice cream vendor was found dead on the floor of his van,covered in hundreds and thousands........the police think he topped himself.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me...I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ..." he sighed, "let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."
Did you hear about the blonde skeleton they found in a cupboard ?. She was the 1988 hide and seek champion.
Two blondes decide to meet for coffee at the river side cafe.When they get there they are on opposite sides of the river,one shouts to the other,"how do you get to the other side"? the other one looks puzzled then shouts back "you are on the other side".
"Mickey I can't believe it. I just can't believe it! After all these years, you and Minnie. I mean it's tragic. You're Hollywood's golden couple. Divorce! I never thought I'd hear that word from you. But I have to tell you Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie just because she's got buck teeth."
"I'm not divorcing her because she's got buck teeth!" Yells Mickey, "I'm divorcing her because she's f***ing Goofy!"
A Guy walks into a bar with an ostritch n a puddy cat. Guy goes up to the bar n orders 3 pints of bitter. certainly says the barman n hands him the beer.
Later on the ostritch goes up to the bar n orders 3 pints. certainly says the barman n hands him the beer.
this continues all evening with the man and the ostritch buying beer. In the end the barman asks the guy whats going on...
The guy replies, "well the was the genie n he said if i rub his lamp and make a wish it will come true." confused the barman asks, "what did you wish for"
The man replies, "i asked for a bird with long legs n a tight pussy!"
A man walks into a posh bistro and orders a pint of larger. The waiter serves him. "that'll be 2pence please sir." "2pence!!!" the man replies amazed and pays for his drink.
Later on he returns to the bar and orders a 12oz rump steak with all the trimmings. "certainly sir." replies the waiter, "but that will come to real money." "how much" enquires the man "10pence" replies the waiter
"10pence" gasps the man, amazed, "where is the manager of this place?"
"upstairs with my wife" replies the waiter.
"whats he doing with your wife" the man asks puzzeled
TWO NUNS There were two nuns...One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM for short), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL for short). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM:" Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants." SL:" It's logical. He wants to rape us." SM: "Oh my god sister, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?" SL: "The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster." SM: "Oh sister, It's not working." SL: "Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too." SM: " Oh my, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute." SL: " Sister, the only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both."
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. 15 minutes pass and then Sister Logical finally arrives, all out of breath!
SM: "Sister Logical !! Oh Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!" SL: "Why, of course, the only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me." SM:"Yes, yes! and what happened then?" SL: "Why the only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could!!" SM: " And...And ? " SL: " The only logical thing happened. He reached me!! " SM: "Oh, dear! What did you do? " SL: "The only logical thing I could do. I lifted my dress up!!" SM: " Oh, Sister! And what did the man do?" SL: "The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants !!" SM: "Oh, no! What happened then????? " SL: " Isn't it logical, Sister? "A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down!!!!"
And for those of you who thought it would be otherwise, say two Hail Marys...
A private school in Edinburgh recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the janitor would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the head decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the janitor. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the janitor who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the janitor to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.
There are trainers, and then there are teachers :)
