Havin a laff!

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old-son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you b*st#rds who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you b*st#rds who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in the kitchen."

Two women waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first
woman asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first woman.
"How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second woman. "You get the shakes, and you get
pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and
you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first woman. "You see,
I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.
I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone, watching TV. I ran down to the basement, but no
one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either.
I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and
died."
The second woman shakes her head. "That's so ironic," she says. "What do you mean?" asks the
first woman. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

A Post Office worker, at the main sorting office, finds an unstamped and very poorly
handwritten envelope.....addressed to God. He opens it and discovers that it was written by an elderly lady who is distressed because a £100...all of her savings...has been stolen. She will be cold and hungry this Christmas without divine intervention.
He shares the letter with his fellow postal workers.....and they all dig deep in their pockets and come up with £96. They sent it to her by special courier that same morning.
A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same handwriting on another envelope. He opens it and reads.....
"Dear God, Thank you for the £100 for Christmas, which would have been so bleak and cold otherwise.
P.S. It was four pounds short but that was probably those thieving bums at the Post Office."

anyone else got any good ones,
dont be shy now...

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she picked up a bottle of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a packet of bacon.. As she was loading her items onto the check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.
The drunk said, "You must be single."
The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the checkout, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, "Well, y'know, that's right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replies, "Cause you're as ugly as hell."

CLASSES FOR MEN AT OUR LOCAL LEARNING CENTER FOR
ADULTS SIGN-UP BY MAY 28

===========
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF
THEIR CONTENTS,
EACH COURSE WILL ACCEPT A MAXIMUM OF 8
PARTICIPANTS EACH.
============
TOPIC 1 -
HOW TO FILL UP THE ICE CUBE TRAYS. STEP BY
STEP,
WITH SLIDE PRESENTATION.

TOPIC 2 -
THE TOILET PAPER ROLL:
DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
ROUND TABLE DISCUSSION.

TOPIC 3 -
IS IT POSSIBLE TO URINATE USING THE TECHNIQUE
OF LIFTING THE SEAT UP AND AVOIDING THE FLOOR/WALLS AND NEARBY
BATHTUB?
GROUP PRACTICE.

TOPIC 4 -
FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE
LAUNDRY HAMPER AND THE FLOOR.
PICTURES AND EXPLANATORY GRAPHICS.

TOPIC 5 -
THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE:
CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE KITCHEN SINK?
EXAMPLES ON VIDEO.

TOPIC 6 -
LOSS OF IDENTITY:
LOSING THE REMOTE TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT
OTHER.
HELPLINE SUPPORT AND SUPPORT GROUPS.

TOPIC 7 -
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH
LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE
DOWN WHILE SCREAMING.
OPEN FORUM.

TOPIC 8 -
HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT
HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
GRAPHICS AND AUDIO TAPE.

TOPIC 9 -
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
REAL LIFE TESTIMONIALS.


TOPIC 10 -
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
DRIVING SIMULATION.

TOPIC 11 -
LEARNING TO LIVE: BASIC DIFFERENCES
BETWEEN MOTHER AND WIFE.
ONLINE CLASS AND ROLE PLAYING.

TOPIC 12 -
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
RELAXATION. EXERCISES, MEDITATION AND BREATHING TECHNIQUES.

TOPIC 13 -
HOW TO FIGHT CEREBRAL ATROPHY:
REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS,
ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND
CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING
TO BE LATE.
CEREBRAL SHOCK THERAPY SESSIONS AND
FULL LOBOTOMIES OFFERED.

**UPON COMPLETION OF THE COURSE DIPLOMAS WILL BE
ISSUED TO THE SURVIVORS.**

ROTFLMFAO

RAOTFLMGDMFAO

why is fool gold called fools gold....












because in olden times thy didn't realise it was real gold...they were fools




COAT PLEASE

Dear IT Support

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to MS Boyfriend 1.0 from MS Drinking Buddies 4.2, which I'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run MS Boyfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, MS Boyfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Girls Night Out 3.1, Climbing 2 and Shopping 6.1.

Successive versions of MSBoyfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-programme, Party Boy 2.1 which I tried had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually I tried to run Boyfriend 1.2 and Boyfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiance 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Husband 1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to because, whilst Husband 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus, Cooking 2000 and Lawn Mown 3.1.

Shortly after this upgrade however I then discovered that Husband 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run; For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Husband 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Husband 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail pornfilter and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip! These latter products have no help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself.

Additional costly problems are that Husband 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Gear Shop Browser for new attachments and also Camera and Film Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.

Husband 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that also drain my resources; It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation.

When Husband 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. Husband 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've attempted to try Lover 2000, but there could be problems, a friend has alerted me to the fact that if Husband 1.0 detects the presence of Lover 2000 it tends to
delete all my MSMoney files before
un-installing itself.

Lover 2000 then upgrades to Husband 2.0 and the whole process continues, with a consequent need to upgrade resources to keep pace with the extra demands on the system. This is particularly noticeable if Husband 2.0 has the additional OwnKids 3 plug in installed.

erm...............

"THE SAD NEWS ABOUT BEER:-

You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable. Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test this theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men:

· Gained weight.
· Talked excessively without making sense.
· Became overly emotional.
· Couldn't drive.
· Failed to think rationally.
· Argued over absolutely nothing.
· Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
No further testing is planned, due to the obvious validy of their theory."

A young boy went up to his father and asked: "What is the difference
between
>potentially and realistically?"
>
>The father pondered for a while, then answered: "Go ask your mother if she
>would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your
>sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back
>and tell me what you have learned."
>
>So the boy went to his mother and asked: "Mum, would you sleep with Robert
>Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied: "Of course I would.
>I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."
>
>The boy then went to his sister and said: "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
>for a million dollars?" The girl replied: "Oh gosh!! I would just love to
>do that! I would have to be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!"
>
>The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his
>dad. His father asked him: "Did you find out the difference between
>potentially and realistically?"
>
>The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars,
but
>realistically we're living with two slappers."
>
>The father replied, "That's my boy!"

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked, "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts."
> >
HERE is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
> >
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
> >
JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyres on World Superbikes: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
> >
HERE is Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
> >
WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
> >
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
> >
DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."
> >
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
> >
CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
> >
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
> >
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
> >
THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away. My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
> >
Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
> >
STEVE Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude:"There's something big growing between my legs."
> >
CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said:"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

LOL

Jeannie I like it really do!

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who run in front of car get tired.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who run behind car get exhausted.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man with one chopstick go hungry.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

The Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is
half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland the fertile
deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely
discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries
with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed
and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may
have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and
desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the
war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now
necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet
and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps
people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a
glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is,
but no one wants to go there.


The Geography of a Man
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Germany. A strange landscape,
filled with beer and thoughts of dodgy porno movies.

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards.", said one doctor.
"Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24
hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall, "Oh my gosh!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

Two Drunks
> >>One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but
> >>between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first
> >>drunk says, "Hey, I've got an idea-we put our money together and buy a
> >>hot dog."
> >>The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the hell? I don't
> >>want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!"
> >>The first says, " I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my
> >>pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the
> >>price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you're sucking my
> >>dick-and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for
> >>anything!"
> >>The second drunk says, "Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me."
> >>So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They
> >>go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the
> >>price, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The
> >>bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back.
> >>The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, the second drunk says, "We've
> >>got to switch places 'cause my knees hurt from dropping to the floor."
> >>The first drunk says, "You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog in the
> >>third bar!"