A little girl goes to a barbers with her Dad, and stands next to the chair eating a cake whilst her Dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at her and says "You're gonna get hair on your muffin".
She replies "I know, and I'm gonna grow some t*ts an all you dirty old b*st*rd."
David Niven and the joke about a prawn.
FRENCH TRADER WAS FORCED TO WORK 30 HOURS A WEEK
Friends of rogue trader Jerome Kerviel last night blamed his 5 billion Euro losses on unbearable levels of stress brought on by a punishing 30 hour week.
Kerviel hid his November losses in a batch of wonderfully fresh croissant.
Kerviel was known to start work as early as nine in the morning and still be at his desk at five or even five-thirty, often with just an hour and a half for lunch.
One colleague said: "He was, how you say, une workaholique. I have a family and a mistress so I would leave the office at around 2pm at the latest, if I wasn't on strike. "But Jerome was tied to that desk. One day I came back to the office at 3pm because I had forgotten my stupid little hat, and there he was, fast asleep on the photocopier. "At first I assumed he had been having s 3 x with it, but then I remembered he'd been working for almost six hours."
As the losses mounted, Kerviel tried to conceal his bad trades by covering them with an intense red wine sauce, later switching to delicate pastry horns.
At one point he managed to dispose of dozens of transactions by hiding them inside vol-au-vent cases and staging a fake reception.
Last night a spokesman for Sócíété Générálé denied that Kerviel was overworked, insisting he lost the money after betting that the French were about to stop being rude, lazy, arrogant b'stards.
A young geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked “Do you have any sales experience?”
The young man answered “aye, hods, I was a canny salesman back in Lamington”
The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job
Hiss first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up the manager came down and asked “OK, so how many sales did you make today?”
The Geordie said “Just the one, Marra”
The manager groaned and continued “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”
…“£124,237.64” replied the Geordie.
The manager choked “£124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?”
“well, forst I selt him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I selt him a new fishing rod.
The I asked where he was gannin’ fishing and he said doon the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined power cat.
The he said he didn’t think his Honda civic would pull oit, so I took him doon tiv car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 suzuki”
The manager, incredulous, said “you mean to tell me a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4”
After a day on the hills in this cold, wintery weather I often find my hands a bit sore an cracked from the wind. What I really need to feel better is a little relief
worst air disaster in irish history
a light two-seater cessna aircraft has crashed into dublins largest cemetry
rescue workers say so far they have recovered 1678 bodies and they believe the number is going to grow as they work into the night
Click for bigness
Hypersonic Invisibility Boots
Right, time to show those Inov8 nancy boys how a real boot does it.
Are u available to come to a charity pancake competition tonight? The organisers have the pans and the ingredients - they just need a tosser.
Little boy playing with his train set. Mum over-hears him say. "all you bas_ _ _ ds, getting off - f _ _ k off. All you bas _ _ _ ds getting on - f_ _ _ing hurry up".
Mum sends him to his room for 2 hours until he learns to be nice to passengers.
When he starts playin again 2 hours later, mum hears him say. "Those disembarking, mind the step and have a nice day - those boarding, enjoy your journey and those upset at the 2 hour delay, blame that fat c _ _ t in the kitchen" !!
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?Contestant: Homosexuals.Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upsetwith you.
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.Theakston: There's a clue in the title.Contestant: Leicester .
BBC NORFOLKStewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?Contestant: I don't know.White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your handand your elbow?Contestant: Arm.White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?Contestant: Strong.White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?Contestant: Louis.White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the songWhat A Wonderful World?Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?Contestant: France .Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is theParthenon?Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.Trelinski: Just guess a country then.Contestant: Paris .
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)Anne Robinson: - Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have allwritten books about their experiences in what: - Prison, orthe Conservative Party?Contestant: The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )DJ Mark: For ?10, what is the nationality of the Pope?Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGEBamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?Contestant: Goosey?
GWR FM ( Bristol )Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
RTE RADIO 2FM ( IRELAND )Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show aboutpensioners: Last Of The...?Caller: Mohicans.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER )Phil: What's 11 squared?Contestant: I don't know.Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.Contestant: Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDYQ: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?A: Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDYLeslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?Contestant: Er. . .Leslie: He makes bread . . .Contestant: Er . ...Leslie: He makes cakes . . .Contestant: Kipling Street ?
LINCS FM PHONE-INPresenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?Contestant: Barcelona .Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)Question: What is the world's largest continent?Contestant: The Pacific
ROCK FM ( PRESTON )Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of afamous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?Contestant: Magna Carta?
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER?ER ...Three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?Caller: Japan .Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, Ican let you try again.Caller: Er .... Mexico ?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO) Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?Contestant: Holland ?Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?Contestant: No.
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