Joke of the day

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go,
but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a bloody big sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,

"Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said..............

"Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom.

She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell HIM you have a headache."

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.


However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duck tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected

A mother superior dies and ends up as she fully expected, at the pearly gates.

She is very happy to be greeted by St Peter. He beckons her to come into heaven.

As she reaches the gate she hears terrible screaming, there are hundreds of people apparently screaming in anguish.

Thinking that she has arrived at the wrong place she nervously asks what on earth is going on.

St Peter told her that it was the screams of people having holes drilled into their back for the fitting of wings and holes being drilled in their heads for the halos!

He reminded her that because of the devout Christian life that she had led, her halo and wings would be HUGE and the pain almost unbearable.

She told him that she might prefer to go to hell instead, what could possibly be worse.

He said, "oh you don't want to go there, you will get raped and buggered."

She said, "Yes, but at least I already have the holes for that!"

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 30 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaysuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doc.

"No, from feckin skippin'"

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"


His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."


His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last
few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"


The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on
the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."



He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.



His wife says, "Boy, that waswonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."



He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.



The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Again her husband says "Don't move, I'll be right back."



With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the
bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not mywife. She'snot my wife. She's not my wife!"

His funeral services will be held on Monday

To dispel all rumours of being a racist Jade Goody has decided to adopt the Muslim name that she was given whilst in the Big Brother house.
From now on she would like to be known as Yoffat Fooka.

Subject: The Missing Golf Ball

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail and, sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."

"Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that."

Ladies this has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.
Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in 'that area' to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked
over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

This is slightly rude!Please do not read if you are easily offended.

After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some Cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory, because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."

"Well" said the nurse; "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the
first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"

"Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?"

"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit," said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

The Value of a Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame
Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams.
If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

Frank Sinatra


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

Hinny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
Stephen Wright


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.

When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

Brian O'Rourke


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Benjamin Franklin


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like Fred
Flintstone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

Dave Howell


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.

Here's how it went:


"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always
feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not

Difference between Cats and Dogs


The Dog's Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts,
since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I
overheard that my confinement was due to the power of
"allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and
snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an
elevated cell, so he is safe.

....For now.

Top

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money,
so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother
asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees
his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the littleboy says to his father,
"Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son,
tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Copy & Paste - where would we be without it?

LOL! Frank, your 'Cheers' one reminded me of another classic from the series:

Woody: Can I get you a beer, Norm?

Norm: It's a little early isn't it, Woody?

Woody: For beer?

Norm: No, for stupid questions.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that!"
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

Little boy runs into a room where his mother is holding a WI party.

He shouts, "Mummy, Mummy, the Au per girl comes to pieces."

She says, "Oh, how do you know that dear."

He said, " I heard Daddy telling Uncle John that he screwed the ass off her last night!"

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible !!!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet ?"
"No," she replies. . . . . .









"You just happened to catch my eye"

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, where upon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus

my brother? "The drunk again answers, "No, haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again

--- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, " Are you sure this is where he fell in?"