Joke of the day

A big row broke out in the Irish Olympic synchronised diving team,after paddy accused mick of copying him.

. 

At last - we have sunshine! Looks like the end of that Jubilee Weather - I thought it was going to rain for sixty years.

Q.  Why are shites tapered?

A.  So your arse doesn't bang shut.

 (sorry, I know it's juvenile humour, but I'm going for 1000 replies! )

Another parental advisory here, don't let the kids see this one. The best episode of Rainbow ever!

What's the difference between an egg and a w*nk ?

 You can beat an egg.....

I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper."
"Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."


That spider never knew what fucking hit it.

An MP had a heart attack and died.

He went up towards Heaven and was met by St Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St Peter says to the MP "as a result of all the scandals that have occurred in Parliament I am not allowed to let you in immediately". "An agreement has been reached with Mephistophiles that you should have a trial period of 24 hours in Hell and 24 hours in Heaven and you can then elect in which of them you want to spend eternity".

The MP is sent down to Hell. He enters and finds he is on an immaculately kept golf course with a lovely club house nearby. He goes over to the club house and finds former friends and MPs who make him welcome. he has a lovely time the meal that evening is caviar, lobster and champagne. he is introduced to the Devil who seems a very genial host. All too soon the 24 hours elapse and he goes back up to heaven.

St Peter introduces him to St Cecilia and he learns to play the harp and sing in the heavenly choir. The food is excellent but not as good as it was in Hell. He does quite like it in heaven
At the end of the 24 hours St Peter calls him over and says you now have to elect where you wish to go.

The MP compares the 2 places and thinks I am surprised but Hell seems to suit me best and elects to go there.

He enters Hell and to his dismay everything has changed. Its a dark landscape full of rubbish and the people there are doing back breaking work picking it all up whilst more is being dumped.

The devil comes along and welcomes him with a sly grin. The MP says to him "what happened to the golf course, the caviar and champagne". The devil says "ah, then we were canvassing for the election". "You've voted and everythings back to normal"

I heard about an honest, selfless politician today

It had to be a joke

Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).
 
 
Just booked a table for Valentine’s Day for me and the wife. Bound to 
end in tears though- she's crap at snooker.
 
 
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at 
my feet and we ended up having sex thereand then....... God, I love my new Taser!
 
 If you get an E mail telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins 
of ham then delete it. It's Spam.
 
 
 
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm 
 wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is 
going to shift this beer belly.
 
 
 
When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream & put a cherry on my head.
Life was tough in the gateau.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm 
 wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is 
going to shift this beer belly.

How do you make it last that long???

Trouble with the Work Experience kiddie yesterday ...

I thought it would keep him busy unpacking the stationery delivery. He asked "What shall I do with this roll of bubble wrap?", "Just pop it in the corner" I said. He was at it for three hours.

Did you know
The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner 

Here's a little fact for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends. 
   
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.  On July 17, 1946, the temperature in  Detroit was 97 degrees. 
  
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. 
   
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.   

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. 
   
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately. 
  
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. 
    
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The  Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. 
    
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.. 
   
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. 
  
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --   
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls. 

       For anybody who doesn’t fully understand the Eurosituation,
              it is explained very simply in the picture below........





              THIS IS BRILLIANT - and loopholes Europe in a "few" words

              Pythagoras' theorem - 24 words.

              Lord's Prayer - 66 words.

              Archimedes' Principle - 67 words.

              10 Commandments - 179 words.

              Gettysburg address - 286 words.

              US Declaration of Independence - 1,300 words.

              US Constitution with all 27 Amendments - 7,818 words.

              EU regulations on the sale of cabbage - 26,911 words

Olympic sailing results just in:

GB has taken gold, Denmark has taken silver and Somalia has taken an oil tanker and its crew

Was on my laptop last night and could have sworn I heard it singing 'Rolling in the Deep'. Then I realised it was a Dell.

A bloke is lying in bed, looking at his wife, and says 'You know, you remind me of the lottery'

She says 'Why, do you feel like you've won the jackpot?'

He says 'No, I wish you'd f***ing rollover'

LeAnn Rimes

 

No it doesn't.

 

Apparently, someone in London gets assaulted every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

I asked my husband for a boob job but he said no, "why don't you just go into the bathroom and wipe between your boobs with toilet paper twice a day instead" he said, "it worked for your arse"

I've just flicked the telly on and caught (seen, heard) this:

A patient visits their doctor and the doctor says, "I'm not sure how to tell you this, but you've got to stop masturbating."

"Why?", asks the patient.

"Becuase I need to examine you." The doctor replies.

Worth a smiley, surely?