Joke of the day

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04/03/2007 at 15:01
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Talking Clock", the man replied.
"How does it work?", asked the guest.
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

"For f***s sake,it's twenty to two in the f***ing morning!"
04/03/2007 at 16:24
ok you have probably all heard this.
social services interviewed the 8 year old obese boy and asked him what his favourite musical instrument was at school.he replied 'the dinner bell'
04/03/2007 at 16:36
Are these your coats???

04/03/2007 at 17:26
pmsl, GR, yours is the best of the three!
04/03/2007 at 20:34
An oldie, but a goldie:

A penguin is on a road-trip, driving across the USA. Somewhere in Arizona he notices that the car's oil-pressure light is on.

He gets out looking and sees oil dripping out of the motor, so drives slowly and carefully to the nearest town and stops at the first garage.

"I'll take a look," says the mechanic, "come back in an hour". So the penguin goes for a walk around town, feeling a little hot under the blazing sun. He soon sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big cone of vanilla ice cream and sits down under the shade of a tree to eat. But, having no opposable thumbs, he makes a real mess trying to eat the ice cream with his little flippers, and gets more of it around his mouth and down his chin than he manages to actually eat. After finishing his ice cream, he wanders back to the garage where he meets the mechanic, wiping his hands on an oily rag.

The mechanic looks over at the penguin and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"Oh no, no, you're mistaken" the penguin replies, frantically wiping his mouth in embarrassment, "it's just ice cream."

Yes, I know you can see the punchline coming from a mile off, but what the hey!
04/03/2007 at 20:38
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm them up." He did, and warmed
his hands. The following day the boyfriendwas again in the buggy
with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put
it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The
following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"

04/03/2007 at 20:39
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.He called her into his office and said, You graduated from the University and probably know this. If I were to give you £20,000, minus 14%, how
much would you take off?

The secretary hardly thought a moment before replying "Everything but my earrings."

04/03/2007 at 20:40
Hey Frank, wasn't that the Joke of Yesterday as well?!

You're worse than the BBC for repeats! ;)
04/03/2007 at 20:42
Yes Matt but not everyone has read the Bennachie novel :)
04/03/2007 at 20:42
A lady goes on vacation alone to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her. Upon arriving, she meets a very attractive tall dark and handsome native, and after a night of passionate
lovemaking she asks him, "What is your name?" "I can't tell you!" the native says. Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he will not tell
her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?" "I can't because you will make fun of my name!" the Islander says. "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says. "Fine, my name is Snow" the man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter, and the native gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it."

The lady replied, "Its my husband that won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in the

04/03/2007 at 20:45

And there was me thinking Michael S that your story related to the Eskimo driving around North Wales and the mechanic tells him he had "blown a seal" to which the Eskimo retorts, " You can talk sheep sh***er!!"
04/03/2007 at 20:58
The teacher in an infants class, explains that they will discuss names of animals and what they think they are!

All the children are excited as they know that if they get the answer right they'll get a reward!

So the teacher asks ' Can anyone tell me what a shitsu is?'

A little boy puts his hand up and says ' Yes Miss it's a zoo with no animals!!!'

05/03/2007 at 21:52
This guy peter ends up being shipwrecked on a desert island with kylie minogue. Its just the two of them and soon they become boyfriend and girlfriend. Over the next couple of months peter starts to get a little depressed and kylie noticing this asks "peter don't i satisfy you anymore sweetie?" peter replies "yes dear but do you think you could cut you hair short for me"? off she goes and cuts her hair short and returns all excited.. peter says "thats great but do you think you could wear some of my clothes as well?" kylie is a little confused but agrees to his request, she comes back in his clothes.."something isnt quite right, do you think you could draw a little moustache on your lip for me?"..kylie now confused as hell draws a moustache on her face..peter looks at her and cries "god could you just leave me in peace for a while i need to think" off she goes all upset. Four hours later peter is sitting on the beach looking out to sea when all of a sudden he sees kylie in the distance, excitement rushes right through him and soon he's tearing along the beach to meet her..gasping for breath and about to collapse he gets up to her and says ..alright mate guess who i'm shaggin?
05/03/2007 at 22:06
I don't want to panic you guys but i'm in hospital.
I've poisoned myself by eating what i thought was an onion and it turned out to be a daffodil bulb.
The doctors say i'll be out in late spring.
06/03/2007 at 13:03
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, a CIA agent took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Six shots were heard, one after another. Then they heard screaming, crashing and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat and blood from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with f*****g blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

06/03/2007 at 23:28
Man goes to the Doctor and tells him he has a golf ball lodged up his rectum.

Doctor has a look and says,

"Hell, that's gone up a fairway!!"

06/03/2007 at 23:46

Two girls in the rear seats of the cinema and one turns to the other and Mary whispers, "Hey Mavis, the man next to me is masterbating!"

Mavis whispers back, "Oh just ignore him!"

Mary says, "I can't, he's using my hand!"

07/03/2007 at 03:11
Oldjokeprobablybynow. What the hell.

More money is being spent on breast implants and viagra than research into alzeimers disease.

Predictions are that by the year 2040 old folks will have perky tits, hard cocks, but no f***ing idea what they're used for.
07/03/2007 at 18:06
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.

I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.

After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night.

The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."
11/03/2007 at 10:30
A man wakes up one morning to find a Gorilla sitting nonchalantly in a tall tree in his garden. Perplexed, the man opens his yellow pages and sure enough finds a listing for Great Gorilla Catchers. He calls the number and the helpful operator tells him to sit tight and wait for the catcher to arrive... Some time passes and there is a knock at the man's door, standing in the doorway is a man with a pit bull, a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun. The householder is intrigued as he shows the gorilla catcher around the back of the house, where the gorilla is still relaxing in the tree.
'OK' says the gorilla catcher 'Here's the plan, listen carefully. First, I'll climb the tree and start to poke and tickle the gorilla. When he cant hold on anymore he'll just fall out of the tree, and my highly trained pit bull will bite down on his testicles, causing him so much discomfort that you'll easily be able to handcuff him, and I'll take him away in the van.'
'Fine' says the man 'But what's with the shotgun?'
'Well' says the gorliia catcher 'sometimes the gorilla will fight back, and i'll fall out of the tree first... then for God's sake shoot that dog!'
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