Forget wild camping, its lesser known sibling is the coming thing and all you need is a steely desire to embrace the fluffy and the comfortable - you'll never leave.
A couple of weeks ago, the guys at Vango and / or Force Ten and / or
Lichfield, entertained the gentlemen of the outdoors press to a scoop
advance showing of their latest super-duper high-tech tent
designs.
However, in the sort of bizarre twist that makes marketing men weep,
the outdoors meeja was transfixed, not by some
kevlar-corded, carbon fibre-poled, all-singing, all-dancing sub-200
gramme bivvy tent, but by the huge array of cavernous family
residences on show.
Hardened hill walkers gasped and ooohed at the sight of an
en-suite toilet room, marvelled at the generously proportioned living
quarters and gazed misty-eyed through vast windows. The coup de grâce
though, came when we heard the prices.
It was immediately apparent that we'd been had. For the price of
a cramped, lightweight backpacking tent, you could buy a mobile
mansion with four or five bedrooms, enough space to park a large
estate car in the porch and still have change to buy a five-burner
gas range and camp furniture. Not fair...
Mild Camping - The Concept
The whole thing added a sort of twisted poignancy to the mountain
campsite scenarios played out every weekend. You know the one, car
draws up, outdoors person gets out, opens boot, pitches miniscule
one-person bivvy tent then proceeds to cook instant noodles on a
super-lightweight meths-burning stove made from an old Pepsi can by
some American con-artist in Oregon...
The irony of course, is that for a lot less he, she, hell, us,
it's us, outdoors people I'm talking about, could have been
luxuriating in a huge tent, sitting at a camping table, griddling
fresh steak over an massive gas-fired range before retiring to a
massive air bed complete with bedside table and gas lantern...
And to add insult to injury, guess which scenario would cost you
less. Yep, the full-on luxury, slap-up deal. Which is why, in my
professional wisdom, I've created the concept of 'mild camping'. It's
vaguely like its distant cousin 'wild camping' but aims to be
comfortable and even economic...
A Few Rules To Live By...
How can it possibly work? Okay, first rule of 'mild camping' is
that you never carry your camping gear anywhere. This, at a stroke,
totally eliminates the need to purchase massively expensive,
super-lightweight equipment made from a mix of titanium, carbon and
shredded kevlar briquettes, for all I know.
At last you are free to live. And the great thing is that mild
camping kit costs a shedload less than its light but uncomfortable
wild camping cousins. Why blow fifty quid on an inflatable
lightweight, self-inflating mattress when you could have a
steel-framed camp bed for under a tenner? Why crawl around in a
mountain geodesic when you could be sitting comfortably at a table in
your canvas cavern for less money? Why cook single portions of
noodles in a tiny titanim pan when you could be having a slap-up meal
courtesy of a twin burner gas range for 25 quid or so?
The list goes on. Who wants to read courtesy of an LED head torch
when you could bask in the glow of a blazing gas lantern? And why
wander across a wet campsite when you could use your very own en
suite WC?
I'm sure you're getting the idea by now - wild camping kit is
great for, well, wild camping, but when it comes to living out of the
back of a car you're literally and holistically better off mild
camping instead. In short, if it's big, comfy and cheap, it's
mild...
An Attitude Of Mind
A word of warning though, mild camping is as much an attitude of
mind as a set of strict rules to govern your life. At the base of it
all though, must be a steely resolve to eschew discomfort and embrace
soft and fluffy things for all you're worth. It's not an easy
direction to take and you may need to start slowly - a portable
expresso maker and a pillow are worth considering as a first step -
then maybe a thicker mattress (not too thick mind, or your face will
be pressed against the roof of your tragic tunnel).
You'll need to be tough to resist the cruel jibes of
less-enlightened individuals as they pitch their mini-geodesics in
the lee of your mighty palace and it may take a while to resist the
urge to invest in dinky overpriced titanium cutlery and those tragic
little travel towels - what's wrong with luxury Egyptian cotton eh? -
but believe me, it's worth it in the end. And in the beginning in
fact. And the middle too.
Yep, when the going gets static, the wild get mild :-)
