Last Minute Christmas Presents!

In use the Acme Arse Crampon (AAC) allows shuffling, seated descents of steep slopes with added safety. With practice it's possible to descend rapidly yet with perfect safety and minimal gibbering by sitting on the slope and adopting a rapid pogoing motion. Once you reach flat ground, it's a simple matter to stand up removing the crampon points from the snow and adopt normal walking posture.

The arse crampon also allows secure rests simply by sitting down on steep slopes, adds grip to seated belays and, on more technical ground can make a vital contribution to confined thrutching moves. We are confident that the AAC will revolutionise winter mountaineering over the next few years and are pleased to offer it at the special promotional price of just £127.93. Buy now and save your arse this winter.

A harness-style waist belt holds the user securely in the chair while a reclining back allows optimum viewing of climbing action on the crag - angle can be altered depending on distance from base of cliff. Other essential extras include built-in public address facility to minimise throat strain while instructing, solar-powered twin-can drinks coolers, fold out sun visor and optional 200-watt sound system. More than just luxury, the IBC will raise your status in the climbing pecking order and make you the envy of other crag rats. A bargain at £523.87.

Choose from a range of styles: 'Void', a near-death, seat-of-the-pants epic; 'Bonington', classic high altitude expedition book; 'Wainwright', wistful, stylised accounts of domestic mountain walks; 'Nordwand', vintage takes of derring do written in badly translated English from the original; and others.

The results will delight your friends and win major mountaineering literature awards. Cragfast has already been responsible for several Boardman-Tasker winners and promises to revolutionise mountaineering writing as the sun hangs, a great golden orb, in an azure blue sky. A logistical bargain at just £78.01. Compatible with all computers, the ZX81 and Playstation 2.

On top of this, the Toastrex 666 comes complete with a built-in map of Antigua and Reunion Island plus more features than any other GPS on the market together with a built-in capability to download data from other planets should this become necessary. Not just useful in the outdoor environment, the 666 comes into its own in the pub, where it is a useful, high-tec conversational trump and will also go to the bar and order a round for a pre-programmed waymaked table.

The business for navigation with some very tasty sarnies thrown in. The Toastrex 666 will revolutionise your outdoor experience. Combing with the Arse Crampon for secure, steep slope snacking. Just £879.09 including heat-resistant carrying case.

The 'Sally Anny' model featured has a variety of useful attachments including miniature emergency tambourine, fold-away soup ladle and a brush for removing bits of fluff from uniforms. In addition there are more conventional tools including a sharp blade and exorcism kit for those awkward overnight supernatural bothying moments.

March tall on the hill with the Salvation Army knife, safety, faith and salvation in one bargain £44.43 package. What more could you ask for?

The handles are placed right at the tops of the poles for easy handling and are hand shaped, while the tips are quite pointy to help them stick in the ground. The Magick Trekking Poles are unique in offering an unconditional knee-joint replacement guarantee should they fail to alleviate your pain. A bargain at just £6,245.76.