From sheep to dogs via gates, ten things that can go horribly wrong and some useless tips for sorting it all out...
It's a dangerous place the outdoors, so much can go wrong and,
like, totally spoil your day. But because we're caring, sharing
people, we've decided to pool our considerable experience and put
together a fantastic resource that could save your dignity and even
your life...
The OUTDOORSmagic Idiot's Guide To Trail Hazards...
Disclaimer: the staff of OM accept no
responsibility for our advice or your safety. Follow these tips at
your own risk and don't try to sue us.
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Dogs
Scenario You're wallking along minding your own
business when a furious woofing canine comes over all
slavering sharp teeth and aggressive barking. You fear for
your Tracksters' inegrity and worse.
 Solution
First don't panic and leg it, the dog will take you for
a stray sheep, try to round you up and sink its teeth into
your retreating butt. Instead stop walking and try a calm,
firm address, 'Stop!' or 'No!' might work. Don't confront
the mutt, it'll take it as a challenge, instead try and
ignore it. Dogs generally bite because they're scared or for
territorial reasons.
Generally don't try and stare the dog down - avoid eye
contact - and never pet a strange dog, even if its owner
says it's friendly, it can still bite you. If the worst
happens and the dog bites you, play dead, it might assume
it's won and leave you alone. Overall, it's hard to do, but
try to relax.
If all else fails: Give it Prozac, which may be a
cure for aggressive dogs. Honest.
You can also buy a device called a 'Dog
Dazer' which blasts their little ears ultgra-sonically.
In developing countries, miming picking up a stone and
pretending to throw it often works wonders.
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Sheep
Scenario You're eating your lunch when an aggressive sheep
appears and tries to share it with you...
Solution
Sheep have the smallest brains of any known picnickers so
reasoning with them is a waste of time. You can attempt violence, but
sheep which have become used to feeding off scraps seem oblivious to
even hefty blows. Better to accept defeat and retreat to a better
place - few sheep can climb harder than Mod. so even an easy rock
route should keep you clear of them. Never feed sheep, it just
encourages the blighters.
If all else fails: Make the sheep into the meal, try these
handy
recipes.
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Cars
Scenario You have to walk along a road as part of
your day, how do you avoid being flattened by brain-dead car
drivers?
Solution
Car drivers are a bit like sheep, so don't feed them.
Instead wear bright clothing and walk facing on-coming
traffic, which gives you a sporting chance of diving into a
ditch or at least identifying the car that hits you... On
narrower roads, I prefer to cross the road on some tight,
blind bends on the basis that it's safer. Try to avoid roads
at night and if you find yourself on them, try and use
lights and / or reflective clothing.
If all else fails: Throw yourself off the road.
Arguing with a ton of metal is a waste of time. Don't assume
car drivers have seen you and beware of drivers overtaking
other cars behind you on narrow roads.
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Farmers
Scenario Classic 'Get orf my land!' behaviour.
Solution
A bit like dogs, farmers are territorial and can be aggressive.
If you're on a public right of way point this out politely and show
them on the map. If you're lost and have blundered into a place you
shouldn't have, apologise and ask them to help you back onto the
right path. Remember farmers are exasperated by walkers leaving gates
open and allowing stock to wander, they may subliminally hold you
responsible for other walkers' stupidity.
If all else fails Don't resort to confrontation or get
aggressive. If you were threatened or assaulted, contact the police.
If you are being prevented from following a public right of way, the
most effective action is to contact the Ramblers Association who have
a special
page on their site for blocked paths and / or your local
authority or the National Park Authority if there is one.
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Insects
Scenario some creepy crawly or winged avenger gets
familiar with your flesh and, in the worst case scenario,
stings you.
Solution
First, try not to panic and swipe the bee or wasp aside,
it's more likely to sting you. If it does sting then chances
are it will be painful, but nothing more. Don't wear perfume
or bright clothes, you're less likely to be stung, but more
likely to be run over of course. Bees leave their sting
behind - it's barbed - complete with venom sac, and die as a
result. Moral victory. Wasps don't leave their stings
behind. Scrape the sting out away from the skin
using a clean tissue then treat with a cold compress and
anti-histamine and antiseptic cream. Vinegar also works.
If you're unfortunatel enough to be allergic to insect
venom, you need to take special precautions, see this
page for starters.
If all else fails You can buy a special Aspivenim
pump which will suck the venom out of your wound. See
here.
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Hunger
Scenario You are trapped in an islolated place with a group
of people with no prospect of further food arriving.
Solution
Establish if any member of the group is a vegetarian and eat them
first, if you're all veggies, that's bad news. Close your eyes and
think of bacon.
If all else fails Pizza delivery. Seriously though, the
human body can last much longer without food than without water so
initially concentrate on staying hydrated.
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Getting Lost
Scenario Do we really need to tell you this? You
realise that you don't know where you are.
Solution
You should have concentrated on your navigation in the
first place, but it's too late now. The real sin is not so
much being lost, but not knowing that you're lost in the
first place. First step is to look at the landscape,
orientate the map and see if you can place yourself
accurately. Next is to retrace your steps, on the map, till
you're at the last place where you were certain of your
location and try and work out where you are now on paper. If
you can't manage either of those, retrace your steps until
you're back there and take more care this time.
If all else fails Get the GPS out.
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Cows
Scenario you have to cross a field full of mobile steak and
it looks frisky...
Solution
Cows are generally placid things, but when they have calves they
can become aggressive, particularly if you have a dog, so if there
are calves around, treat them with caution. Young bullocks can be
inquisitive and may follow you, but generally aren't dangerous. Cows
are big things, so treat them with respect.
If all else fails Certain bulls are banned from being at
large in fields crossed by right of way under any circumstances,
others must be kept with cows or bullocks to be considered safe. If
you find some that aren't, call the police.
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Your companions
Scenario They are a nightmare, you want to kill
them all, painfully.
Solution
Even your best mates can start to wind you up after a
while. If you're on a multi-day trip, don't let it become an
issue, instead agree to walk a little way apart or even a
long way apart and take a break from each other. If your
companions become aggressive, speak to them firmly and
assertively, but not agressively then wrestle them to the
ground and breathe firmly into their nostrils. They will
leave you alone afterwards.
If all else fails A sharp blow to the back of the
skull with a blunt instrument will often result in a
temporary solution.
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Gates
Scenario You can't open it...
Solution
Try the other end and if that fails, climb carefully over the
gate at the hinge end to minimise load on the hinges.
