Global Warming To Devestate Hills

Global warming may have unforeseen effects which we cannot foresee, is one of the conclusions of the latest OUTDOORSmagic-sponsored international conferences on global warming and its impact on the outdoors.

The conference's main aim is to bring together international experts on meterology and other related disciplines in a luxurious hotel and let them have a bloody good knees up as means of compensating for their generally pathetic pay and working conditions. However a number of controversial findings have emerged from the conference:

? Rising water levels will drive southern-based low landers from their homes onto higher ground. These refugees may adopt a sheep-like lifestyle, causing dramatic overgrazing in hilly areas and transforming much of northern Britain into a dessert.

? Despite this, it will rain continuously, 24-hours a day throughout northern Britain. Northerners will, over time, develop distinctive webbed feet and adopt a diet composed almost entirely of fish.

? Penguins will repopulate the south of England, driving people from their homes and taking over the running of the watersports industry.

? Parts of Cumbria will float off into the Atlantic arriving off Nova Scotia in approximately 20 years. This will cause increased road congestion in the Lake District

These predictions are just the tip of the iceberg - the one that'll be floating on Windemere - OUTDOORSmagic takes global warming with the utmost seriousness - try sitting in a Finnish sauna for 20 minutes and you will too and advises members to end the so-called Greenhouse Effect by keeping windows open at all times.