Idiot's Guide To Trail Hazards

It's a dangerous place the outdoors, so much can go wrong and, like, totally spoil your day. But because we're caring, sharing people, we've decided to pool our considerable experience and put together a fantastic resource that could save your dignity and even your life...

The OUTDOORSmagic Idiot's Guide To Trail Hazards...

Disclaimer: the staff of OM accept no responsibility for our advice or your safety. Follow these tips at your own risk and don't try to sue us.

Dogs Scenario You're wallking along minding your own business when a furious woofing canine comes over all slavering sharp teeth and aggressive barking. You fear for your Tracksters' inegrity and worse. Solution First don't panic and leg it, the dog will take you for a stray sheep, try to round you up and sink its teeth into your retreating butt. Instead stop walking and try a calm, firm address, 'Stop!' or 'No!' might work. Don't confront the mutt, it'll take it as a challenge, instead try and ignore it. Dogs generally bite because they're scared or for territorial reasons. Generally don't try and stare the dog down - avoid eye contact - and never pet a strange dog, even if its owner says it's friendly, it can still bite you. If the worst happens and the dog bites you, play dead, it might assume it's won and leave you alone. Overall, it's hard to do, but try to relax. If all else fails: Give it Prozac, which may be a cure for aggressive dogs. Honest. You can also buy a device called a 'Dog Dazer' which blasts their little ears ultgra-sonically. In developing countries, miming picking up a stone and pretending to throw it often works wonders.

Sheep

Scenario You're eating your lunch when an aggressive sheep appears and tries to share it with you...

Solution Sheep have the smallest brains of any known picnickers so reasoning with them is a waste of time. You can attempt violence, but sheep which have become used to feeding off scraps seem oblivious to even hefty blows. Better to accept defeat and retreat to a better place - few sheep can climb harder than Mod. so even an easy rock route should keep you clear of them. Never feed sheep, it just encourages the blighters.

If all else fails: Make the sheep into the meal, try these handy recipes.

Cars Scenario You have to walk along a road as part of your day, how do you avoid being flattened by brain-dead car drivers? Solution Car drivers are a bit like sheep, so don't feed them. Instead wear bright clothing and walk facing on-coming traffic, which gives you a sporting chance of diving into a ditch or at least identifying the car that hits you... On narrower roads, I prefer to cross the road on some tight, blind bends on the basis that it's safer. Try to avoid roads at night and if you find yourself on them, try and use lights and / or reflective clothing. If all else fails: Throw yourself off the road. Arguing with a ton of metal is a waste of time. Don't assume car drivers have seen you and beware of drivers overtaking other cars behind you on narrow roads.

Farmers

Scenario Classic 'Get orf my land!' behaviour.

Solution A bit like dogs, farmers are territorial and can be aggressive. If you're on a public right of way point this out politely and show them on the map. If you're lost and have blundered into a place you shouldn't have, apologise and ask them to help you back onto the right path. Remember farmers are exasperated by walkers leaving gates open and allowing stock to wander, they may subliminally hold you responsible for other walkers' stupidity.

If all else fails Don't resort to confrontation or get aggressive. If you were threatened or assaulted, contact the police. If you are being prevented from following a public right of way, the most effective action is to contact the Ramblers Association who have a special page on their site for blocked paths and / or your local authority or the National Park Authority if there is one.

Insects Scenario some creepy crawly or winged avenger gets familiar with your flesh and, in the worst case scenario, stings you. Solution First, try not to panic and swipe the bee or wasp aside, it's more likely to sting you. If it does sting then chances are it will be painful, but nothing more. Don't wear perfume or bright clothes, you're less likely to be stung, but more likely to be run over of course. Bees leave their sting behind - it's barbed - complete with venom sac, and die as a result. Moral victory. Wasps don't leave their stings behind. Scrape the sting out away from the skin using a clean tissue then treat with a cold compress and anti-histamine and antiseptic cream. Vinegar also works. If you're unfortunatel enough to be allergic to insect venom, you need to take special precautions, see this page for starters. If all else fails You can buy a special Aspivenim pump which will suck the venom out of your wound. See here.

Hunger

Scenario You are trapped in an islolated place with a group of people with no prospect of further food arriving.

Solution Establish if any member of the group is a vegetarian and eat them first, if you're all veggies, that's bad news. Close your eyes and think of bacon.

If all else fails Pizza delivery. Seriously though, the human body can last much longer without food than without water so initially concentrate on staying hydrated.

Getting Lost Scenario Do we really need to tell you this? You realise that you don't know where you are. Solution You should have concentrated on your navigation in the first place, but it's too late now. The real sin is not so much being lost, but not knowing that you're lost in the first place. First step is to look at the landscape, orientate the map and see if you can place yourself accurately. Next is to retrace your steps, on the map, till you're at the last place where you were certain of your location and try and work out where you are now on paper. If you can't manage either of those, retrace your steps until you're back there and take more care this time. If all else fails Get the GPS out.

Cows

Scenario you have to cross a field full of mobile steak and it looks frisky...

Solution Cows are generally placid things, but when they have calves they can become aggressive, particularly if you have a dog, so if there are calves around, treat them with caution. Young bullocks can be inquisitive and may follow you, but generally aren't dangerous. Cows are big things, so treat them with respect.

If all else fails Certain bulls are banned from being at large in fields crossed by right of way under any circumstances, others must be kept with cows or bullocks to be considered safe. If you find some that aren't, call the police.

Your companions Scenario They are a nightmare, you want to kill them all, painfully. Solution Even your best mates can start to wind you up after a while. If you're on a multi-day trip, don't let it become an issue, instead agree to walk a little way apart or even a long way apart and take a break from each other. If your companions become aggressive, speak to them firmly and assertively, but not agressively then wrestle them to the ground and breathe firmly into their nostrils. They will leave you alone afterwards. If all else fails A sharp blow to the back of the skull with a blunt instrument will often result in a temporary solution.

Gates

Scenario You can't open it...

Solution Try the other end and if that fails, climb carefully over the gate at the hinge end to minimise load on the hinges.