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This month Alastair explains why
mobile phones and cragging simply don't mix. 'HELLO! YES,
NO, I'M ON THE CRUX NOW. NO IT'S RUBBISH! '
Ring ring... ring ring... ring
ring......... 'Hello?' That was the unlikely
scenario I encountered high up on one of the coolest cliffs
in Langdale, Gimmer Crag. Weird!
Like em or loath em, mobile phones have changed the world
and their use is accepted as common practice in everyday
situations. However, I think you'll agree that while
belaying on a majestic Lakeland crag, getting at one with
nature and rousing your tantric energies, it's a bit odd to
be taking phone calls. The funny thing was, for all the
wonders of modern technology, once his climbing partner
reached the top of a pitch they hit communication breakdown
and frustrated expletives were exchanged in a tempest of
lost messages up and down the cliff face!
Blue Mountain Carnage...
I witnessed a more positive use of a mobile in the
outdoors in Australia's Blue Mountains near Sydney. Pardon
the expression, 'me mate Dave' - best Ali G Staines accent -
a heavily muscled 6'4" sixteen-year-old with an IQ to match
his Adonis physique took to the Bluey's sandstone. Unhappy
with his initial choice of holds Dave stepped down from the
cliff unwittingly wedging his right foot between two rocks
on the ground. The downward momentum sent him toppling
backwards with his right foot still firmly between the
rocks.
Disastrously, the unassuming, straightforward action of
stepping down from the first move of a climb caused Dave's
lower leg to snap in two, as clean a fracture as cracking
dead-wood over your knee. His fibula ripped through the shin
muscle, dermis, epidermis et al. Urrrrrgh.
In this case a mobile phone saved precious time in
effecting a rescue. The twenty minute hike through the bush
back to the car doesn't bare thinking about without the
stretcher and ambulance crew who were alerted by the
phone.
Ego Phone Man...
The next case involves climbing one of the UK's most
celebrated routes with doorman, plumber and three-times
murder suspect, Mark. Typical of the new generation Mark
loves his mobile phone. He'll endlessly gaze at the display,
constantly check it for text messages and have his ultimate
ego swelling satisfaction by receiving a call in public.
Just receiving a call whilst belaying, quite apart from
the obvious dangers, is ludicrous enough. I wait eagerly for
the inevitable day when a call is actually taken while
climbing: 'Yeah I'm on the route now. Oh yeah its' great,
I've got a two-finger pocket with my left hand and a dodgy
smear with my right foot. Oh yeah great!' That's the
standard issue pointless mobile phone conversation, all
spoken at top volume with exaggerated enthusiasm so as to
demonstrate to as many people as possible just how popular
you are.
Mark had been badgering me to lead Cenotaph Corner - E1
5c, a famous 1953 Joe Brown route - for years. By the time I
got to the crux moves lofting over Llanberris Pass I still
couldn't dissolve the negative murk of my 'bad-head day'. I
hesitantly peeped up the line, viewing the thin holds of the
crux sequence. Unhappy with what I saw and equally as
worried about my last piece of protection, I reversed a move
down the corner-crack placing a low foot-jam.
Unfathomably a loose block dislodged from within the
crack just below my foot. The block, about twice the size of
a house brick and four times as heavy, set off on a direct
collision course with Mark's well-shaven head. My initial
warnings of 'ROOOOOCCCCCCCCkkkk!' did little to alert the
tea party now in full swing at the belay ledge. Only once I
resorted to 'F*********cKKKK ing ROCK!', did Mark finally
look up with split seconds to spare. Being a fifth-dan
karate champion, Mark instinctively threw his right arm
above his head to block the incoming missile.
Block, Chop...
His head was saved, the blocking limb, by contrast, was
sliced deeply through the middle of his forearm and needed
five internal- and 15 external-stitches to piece it back
together.
Bizarrely although his beloved mobile was handy, Mark
being supremely stubborn and absolutely hard as nails,
insisted no ambulance need be called. Once his arm was
wrapped in a dirty beer towel he wobbled down the steep
scree descent showering himself in a steady stream of blood
as he went. The irony this time was the red blood stained
tee-shirt he wore at the hospital reception read 'Don't be
soft, have a fight!'
The Lesson
In conclusion if you do have a mobile phone I guess
you're better with it in the outdoors than without,
regardless of your kung-fu skills, although if you are going
to carry it around with you, it might make sense to use it
in an emergency and leave it switched off the rest of the
time rather than the other way round. Oh, and remember the
bloke belaying on Gimmer Crag with his 'This could be an
important call'? Predictably it was a wrong number!
'NO! THIS IS GIMMER CRAG! NO RAVEN'S IS 07 34... OKAY,
NO PROBLEM. BYE!'
Alastair Lee is a climber,
photographer and performer currently touring with his new
show 'Made in China'. Check out www.posingproductions.com.
The original Leeside used to appear in the now defunct On
The Hill magazine
Alastair's range of mountain
posters is now available, click
here to see them.
Alastair's show is also popular with schools, last winter he
performed it 32 times. For more information,
check
this out.
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