Ever wondered how to write fantastic mountain articles? Our new series will soon turn your incoherent babblings into a lucrative sideline. Part one: Getting Started
Ever wished you could write deathless outdoor prose, the sort of
stuff that's a sure-fire, dead cert for publication in any number of
high prestige mountain magazines? Yeah, me too.
Good news! Your worries are over. The weekly OUTDOORSmagic guide
to purple mountain prose will give you all the deadly literary
weapons you need to turn a quiet ramble into a lucrative freelance
sideline. Just follow our simple guide and you too could aspire to
membership of the prestigious Guild of Outdoor Writers and perhaps
even get published on OUTDOORSmagic.
Getting Started
All good outdoors stories start in one of four ways:
1. A Terrible Accident Flashback
'As I glanced up, Larry's arm shot past me, dripping blood, his
fingers still clutching the Kendal Mint cake he'd been eating just
moments before. 'Noooooo....' I cried. 'That was our last Mint
Cake... And it had all started so well, that morning as we ate the
last of the cold mutton before leaving the tent...'
(Note: It's crucial to establish that the accident mars an
otherwise decent day, hence the reference to starting out) If you
haven't actually been involved in an accident, don't worry, invent
one. It's called poetic licence.
2. The Brilliant Moment of
Conception
'Wouldn't it be great,' Larry began. 'If we crossed Nepal by canoe
with only one freeze-dried sheep and a packet of Kendal Mint Cake
between us?' That moment in the warm, beery, fug of the Butcher's
Arms seemed but a distant memory now...'
It's important that the moment of conception be casual and
comfortable so as to throw into perspective the unimaginable
hardships you are now enduring.
3. A Strange Sound
'Meeeeushshshsh...! That's the noise of a disembodied climber's
arm holding a square of Kendal Mint Cake flying past your nose in the
rareified air of the mighty high Himalaya.'
The strange sound device can be combined with either of the other
two openings. Note that air at altitude must always be described as
rareified - more in next week's topic 'the best outdoor
adjectives'.
4. Setting Out
'The day dawned dull and grey as we broke camp and loaded our
paltry belongings into our battered packs. The serried ranks of the
mighty Himalaya merged into the unbroken murk...'
Alternatively:
'The day dawned bright and sunny as we broke camp and loaded our
paltry belongings into battered packs. The serried ranks of the
mighty Himalaya jabbed an endless serrated blade into the clear
azure blue of the sky...'
The important thing to remember is that days which start dull will
always get better and conversely days which start brilliantly will
end in tragedy with disembodied arms flying past in their hundreds.
Remember this and you won't go far wrong.
Note: There are other ways of
starting an outdoors feature, but they are all rubbish.
Next week: Part Two - brilliant outdoor adjectives and
unmissable adjectival constructions direct from the rareified air of
the mighty Himalaya (hint)
