How Was It For You?

Aries - The Ram - March 21 to April 20

What's stopping you climbing the really big mountains and scaling the Herculean summits of the Shropshire hills? Well, let's face it, just getting out of bed would be a start. The stunning conjunction of Mars with your linguinal cortex augurs well for mid-summer walking plans after a frustrating Spring bedevilled by breaking bootlaces and a nasty blister on your third toe. Wiser Arians will carry at least three spare laces and a family pack of Compeed on every hike. Beware the sheep on the hill in November, it's not glad to see you and that tube really is a lethal rocket launcher. Your lucky Gore-Tex colour for 2004 is - rather unfortunately - puce.

Your outdoor love stars Don't boil your belay bunny in 2004 - trust is all for you and a disgruntled partner at the other end of the rope could signal a romantic disaster of groundfall proportions. Red hair is a no, no, unless you're planning to buy a new rope this year.

Taurus - The Bull - April 21 to May 21

You may think that the spring equinox will help protect you from Acute Mountain Sickness, but in reality you're just confusing 'equinox' with 'Diamox'. That aside, this will be a fantastic year for Taureans as the mountains become your playground. That said, be careful not to use Ben Nevis as a slide. One dark cloud looms however, a nasty tussle with a water-resistant zip in February could usher in a long period of domestic discord culminating a complete overhaul of your layering system and longterm bankruptcy. Best to stick to conventional fastenings, though in the case of Velcro, keep this tip figurative rather than literal. Your lucky Gore-Tex colour for 2004 is - tragically - lime green.

Your outdoor love stars Peer into the depths of every crevasse you cross since love will be waiting for you in dark places. Beware the tall, handsome stranger in Fort William, he or she merely wants to do you for your expired road tax...

Gemini - The Twins - May 22 to June 21

How many times do I have to tell you - that Buffalo crotch strap does you no favours even if you seem well on the way to recovery. Take the scissors to it before it's too late. That aside, 2004 is a year of tough dilemmas - fish cakes or scampi, Cumberland sausage or chicken and mushroom pie, Pertex or perspex - your decisions will shape your destiny for this year and beyond. Beware mountain chickens in Snowdonia this spring, a clumsy rooster could trigger a cataclysmic avalanche which will render the remainder of this prognostication pointless. Keep your mountain ideas and objectives big this year though and you will experience an outdoor life of rare delights. Improve your cooking if you want to keep your partner though. Your lucky Gore-Tex colour for 2004 is tapiocca, whatever that is.

Your outdoor love stars Look in the mirror Gemini, without extensive plastic surgery, lyposuction and a course of performance-enhancing drugs, you may as well resign yourself to another loveless year. Unless, of course, you're obscenely rich, in which case flashing your wallet in a Betws-y-Coed gear shop in May is the route to perfect happiness.

Cancer - The Crab - June 22 to July 23

After last year's dabbling with thermo-nuclear devices and your near destruction of the West Midlands, 2004 promises to be slightly more relaxed with balmy spring weather softening your heart and focussing your attention on high-wicking baselayer fabrics. The conjunction of Saturn, the planet of effort and narrow ridge traverses, with a particularly bad curry could usher in some ambitious long-distance trekking around August however, the strange-looking woman who lives next door really has been putting small bits of grit inside your walking boots, so it may pay to give her a good smack in the third week of June. As usual your climbing technique is dominated by your strange, shuffling crablike gait - it's ideal for traverses, but problematic on other routes. Eating more spinnach and eschewing raw onions should help. Your lucky Gore-Tex colour for 2004 is powder blue to go with your hair.

Your outdoor love stars Head north young person! Immeasurable passion, an odd accent and limitless supplies of chocolate await you there. And no, I don't mean Wigan.

Leo - The Lion - July 24 to August 23

You made some difficult decisions in 2003, but don't worry, Tesco now stocks only one brand of tabasco sauce so things promise to be easier this time round. More prosaically, your destiny awaits you under a bus seat near Tromso... Track it down before Jupiter starts tap-dancing on your rucksac in March and a year of limitless rocky promise awaits you. Beware the large dog-shaped rock you encounter in May however, its bark will be nothing compared to its bite. May is also a good time to go through your pack and throw out that mummified banana you stuffed down the hydration pocket last November before it starts breeding. One big warning though - Leo's are notoriously profligate, but resist, resist, Leo leave that new Arc'Teryx handbag firmly on the shelf and spend the money on energy gels instead. You'll need them as Mars will be in your rucksac and it's a big planet. Your lucky Gore-Tex colour for 2004 is Stratos Pink.

Your outdoor love stars You're a dashing romantic Leo, but watch out for the edge of that cliff and make sure you're well anchored before you throw yourself off. A tall stranger in a blue softshell jacket will offer your Mars Bars on the way down, but it's time to distinguish between love and chocolate...

Virgo - The Virgin - August 24 to September 23

You've been a bit of a bastard to everyone you know over the latter stages of 2003 and you'd be well advised to make amends over the first part of 2004. That could mean making the sandwiches before the weekend walk, doing all the navigation or just selling one of your kidneys and buying your partner a new shell jacket with the proceeds. We'd go for the latter. Sadly it won't really matter as they'll dump you anyway in mid-June. Don't despair though, as usual a can of sardines will be the answer to your problems. One big piece of advice though, don't be tempted to rely on gas stoves Virgo. Uranus, the planet of multi-fuel burners enters your sign in October and remains there for six months, cooking on anything other than liquid fuel during this period could have explosive results. Do all the Munroes in November or be prepared to be ostacised by your outdoors friends. Your lucky Gore-Tex colour for 2004 is Mint Cake.

Your outdoor love stars Forget it Virgo. This year you're about as attractive as last year's socks. Instead concentrate on your scrambling technique, it will pay dividends in the long term.

Libra - The Scales - September 24 - October 23

The astral reverberations caused by you re-soling your trusty Vibrams last March are still echoing around the cosmos, but that's not a patch on this May when a precipitous decision to restore the DWR on your waterproof jacket will come back to haunt you for years to come. More prosaically, we advised you to clean out your fridge last year and you still haven't done it have you? When we sneaked round for a look last week - you were at the sales remember - we finally phoned the public health people and you can expect a visit soon. Don't say that we didn't warn you. Actually that will be the least of your concerns this year as a tide of mountaineering energy carries you to the summits of all 14 of the 8,000-metre peaks over the autumn period. Don't worry if you have limited climbing experience, there are still nine months to go... Freeze-dried food is a real no, no, if you want to keep your friends. your lucky Gore-Tex colour for 2004 is Astral Gravel.

Your outdoor love stars A tall mountaineer in a purple jacket will sweep your off your feet, over a narrow ridge and into a cosy climbing hut for some hot mountain luvvin' in October. Don't get your hopes up though, it's a case of mistaken identity and will end badly.

Scorpio - The Scorpion - October 24 - November 22

Scorpio is a sign closely associated with sex and death but in 2004 you'll be better off sticking to chocolate. Moody and intense - lighten up will ya - Scorpios will put the legwear dilemmas of the past year behind them and instead concentrate on finding a pair of warm waterproof gloves. Beware though, the pair you first try on 24 March are not what they seem. Your dynamic drive will have you racing up big mountains from May onwards and the summer will bring a period of unparallelled brilliance in your climbing. Now is the time to crack that problematic Stanage V Diff you almost managed three years ago. Finally be careful with those ice axes next winter - your probation period is almost over and you really don't want to find yourself locked up again. Do you? Erm... Your lucky Gore-tex colour for 2004 is Black.

Your outdoor love stars Scorpios are widely acknowledged to be the best lovers around, mainly because I'm writing this and I am one. You'll be fighting them off in 2004 Scorpio, but sadly, mainly in your dreams.

Sagittarius - the Archer - November 23 - December 21st

Half man, half horse, if you have any sense whatsoever, you'll bolt the stable door, sit down on the sofa and stay inside throughout 2004. It's going to be a stinker. If you do venture outside, make sure you wear a helmet at all time. The astral gods of the outdoors have it in for you big time and sheep cascading from the skies, bottomless puddles and psychotic dogs wielding ice axes will be just the start of things. The problems began with that fur-lined jock strap we warned you against last year, but did you listen? There is one bright spot in your year however, that 50,000 scale map of Snowdon has fallen down behind the chest of drawers and should be easy to recover. Avoid anywhere above the 2700 foot contour line, the conjunction of Mars and Venus in your loft makes these elevations more than usually hazardous. If that sounds familiar, it's because 2004 really will be a re-run of 2003, but slightly worse. Your lucky Gore-Tex colour is Brown.

Your outdoor love stars A beautiful outdoors person in nicely designed soft shell will come into your life this year, unfortunately they're on the telly. No change there then.

Capricorn - the Goat - December 22 - January 20

Your confidence may be at a low ebb following that nasty basting incident with the mother in law and the Coleman fuel over the Christmas period, but the good news is that 2004 will herald a period of massive change for your dinky little goats out there, particularly those born before 1927. Capricorn is, of course, the sign of alternative clothing systems and this year you will discover the holy grail of outdoors couture. I could tell you what it is, but then I'd have to kill you. August is well aspected for foreign mountains, but be wary of anything over 6000 metres as it may fall on your head due to the impact of Saturn. Visa are still chasing you by the way, best leave the country over May. Your lucky Gore-Tex colour for 2004 is Tibetan Vanila.

Your outdoors love stars You have the hots for Chris Bonington, but don't worry we won't tell anyone. As usual your love will go unrequited, you may stand more chance with the postie who has a secret soft spot for goats. Good luck.

Aquarius - the Water Bearer - January 21 - February 19

Aquarius is the sign of waterproofing and you'd be well advised to cover all the bases as a small personal rain storm will accompany those born under the sign of the water bearer this year. The cosmic tides will sweep you ever onwards, that notwithstanding, and nothing can stop you this year if you really set you sights on an objective. Seeing as you barely got up Box Hill this year, that's no bad thing. We'd suggest K2 or Everest as a worthy objective this autumn. It's not all good news though - your pack will be eaten by a rampant goat during August and a colossal blister could blight any foreign climbing trips. Oh, one other piece of advice: adopting differential lacing techniques this spring could revolutionise your life, but make sure your boots are the right way round this time. Favourite Gore-Tex colour for 2004? Mud.

Your outdoor love stars All that new waterproof clothing could create problems, but the effort required pays off when a new lover finally works their way through the protective barriers and brings breathable bliss into your life. Sigh...

Pisces - The Fish - February 20 - March 20

Swim little fishy swim, don't stop, or you'll drown. It's a bugger feeling like an afterthought eh, bit you're the last on the page and my divine astral powers are failing. Tough luck. Your lucky 2004 Gore-Tex colour is, erm, red, or maybe turquoise, no, no, I can see blue, I think, or it might be green. What the heck, it's all just superstition and you're not gullible, are you?

Your outdoor love stars Your magnetic personality attracts everyone, people, sheep, climbers, small bits of metal, so choose carefully, particularly as the RSPCA are quite active at the moment. Get it right and 2004 promises to be a riot of romantic bliss as you and your partner climb every mountain, hike every trail and even manage to find tented bliss. Check for false teeth in advance though, it's never nice to find out too late.