Legendary outdoor writer Alfred Todger chronicles the latest gentle goings-on in sleepy Muckthwaite.
Muckthwaite, Friday 27 October, 2006
It were eerie quiet ooop on t'moor this morning, misty and still,
then all of a sudden my nose starts tickling and my eyes get red and
sore, soon I were sneezing and wheezing like a good 'un.
Well, I had no idea what were going on. I've been coming to these
moors for 70 years now, man and boy and sometimes, to be honest,
dressed in women's clothes as well, but I'd rather no-one knew that.
Anyhow, suddenly I heard this terrifying sound coming out of the
murk.
It were like a massive, resonating, well, coughing noise really.
It'd stop for a moment then start again, then suddenly it reached a
crescendo and stopped and as it did, something flew out of the mist
and thudded against my leg.
I sneezed involuntarily and my eyes seemed even sorer. Down below,
resting against my shin, were a huge matted ball of what looked like
fur. Suddenly I put two and two together, the noise, my allergic
reaction, the ball - it could only be the notorious Giant Black Cat
of Muckthwaite and this, I realised, was one of its legendary fur
balls.
They say as it's lived on the moors for decades now, but few have
seen it. One story is that it's the result of an unholy union between
a Muckthwaite tabby and an abyssinian lion as escaped from t'circus.
Others say it's supernatural and was spawned in hell.
I can tell you, I had no desire to meet the terrible thing. Some
say it can carry a whole cow in its jaws, others that its baleful
miaow presages disaster and pestilence. Others maintain that not even
the most powerful anti-hystamines can combat its foul allergens.
So I tucked the fur ball into my pack and fair ran back down,
didn't stop till I reached the village. I was stopped panting and
feeling safe, when suddenly I head a terrible feline howling, it was like
the wind, but somewhere in it were words. I could just make them out, over and over again...
'Oi, mister', said the voice. 'Can we have our ball back?'
No chance I thought, that's going on eBay.
Alfred Todger
