Seven Deadly Outdoors Sins...

1. Ron Hill Tracksters Ok, these are the ideal outdoors trousers. I even wear them myself. Comfortable, quick drying, easy to get hold of, cheap - all those things! Out on the hill they are brilliant. BUT, (and it's a big but) not in the pub at the end of the walk. They have a rather, erm, bad effect on the wearer, which although not great, is acceptable out on the hill, but not in the pub. There the clingy-ness of the items make a certain part of the male anatomy stand-out, and unless the female is Anna Kornikova or Rachel Stevens, they can accentuate the size of the ladies rear. And don't even get me started on Visible Panty Line (for both MEN and WOMEN)!

2. Wearing Gaiters WITH shorts. Why? Where is the logic of this? I fail to see it! Even worse is wearing gaiters with shorts on a gloriously sunny day ON Top of Sca Fell Pike? There's not even any water up there for crissakes! Now don't get me wrong here - I do understand the reason for Gaiters, and they are a great bit of kit when yomping through muddy bogs or even through the dreaded wet bracken. It's just that some members of the outdoor fraternity seem to think that they must wear gaiters no matter what the weather and conditions are! Let me tell you something guys - just 'cos you are a walker, it doesn't mean you have to wear the gaiters your mum bought you for Christmas.

3. Red Socks. Do I need to say any more? Burn in Hell.

4. Trekking poles on scrambles. There you are, scrambling along Striding Edge, having a fine time. Slightly spooked, but enjoying the experience when you hasten upon a gentleman in front of you. He has poles. But he has them out and extended. As his hands make contact with the rock, the poles flail about wildly like some deranged downhill Olympic skier. Walking poles are great. They are a huge help when trying to power up long slogging slopes, and are superb for aiding descents. But why do some outdoors enthusiasts insist on keeping them to hand when doing difficult scrambles? Can you imagine a reason for having poles out when doing Crib Goch or Bristly Ridge? No, neither can I! Other than to poke the eyes out of those people behind you. Now if they are wearing red socks and gaiters with shorts - that doesn't sound like a bad idea!

5. Slow People! Slow people you say? How could slow people possibly be a sin? Well, it's not just the slow moving elderly, bearded lady with the single Leki anti-shock trekking pole, it's the feelings of 'path rage' and anger that wells inside the person stuck behind her. There she is, pottering along the path ever so slowly, chatting to her equally elderly sister whilst pulling along an asthmatic white West Highland Terrier taking up ALL the path. The sin is never allowing you past. This is such bad karma for all others using the paths, especially when they are doing this on the downhill sections of the walk. Oh and when you do manage to squeeze past, you hear that amazingly loud "TUT"...

6. Mobile Phones. Yes they are useful. Yes they are potentially a lifesaver. Yes I have used one from the top of a summit. BUT. It's the ones that ring and the owner answers and bellows: "You'll never guess where I am" And the worst offenders, and they should be damned to hell are those with popular music ring-tones. I do not want to listen to the latest Daniel Bedingfield single being played to me on the summit of Blencathra! I even once heard Elgar being destroyed by the beepy horror that is the mobile phone.

7. Littering. Ok a serious one this. If you have ever littered on a hill or mountain, well you deserve whatever you get when you cross that old River Styx. The worst place for litter I have ever seen is the limestone pavement on the top of Malham Cove. Bloody awful is the only thing to call it. Every crack and cranny had a crisp packet or coke can jimmied into it.

So there you go the Seven Deadly Outdoors Sins. But what if you are a sinner? What if you are caught wearing red-socks or shorts and gaiters whilst doing a rocky scramble using trekking poles? What if you are slowly wandering off a hillside with your Westie, having just received a call on your mobile? What is to become of you? Nothing really you'll just have to be happy to learn that you are a perfectly normal outdoors person just like myself, and all those others who are doing EXACTLY the same as you!

Perhaps the real deadly sin is a lack of tolerance and understanding we as outdoors people often show to one another. If we all did apply some tolerance I'm sure that just a small part of the world will be a better place, and you never know it might spread a bit into everyone's everyday life.

And finally for the record, the REAL seven deadly sins are:

Pride
Avarice
Envy
Wrath
Lust
Gluttony
Sloth

If you've been ticking those ones off as done, you're really in trouble!