Stairways To Heaven

An enterprising local businessman has found a novel way to make his way up in the world! For builder Dave Blunt has struck gold with his idea to build staircases with a difference.

"Well, it were my wife what give me the idea," explains Dave. "She says to me, 'Dave, you useless bleeder, you ripped the staircase out six months ago, and the only way we can get to the bedrooms is by climbing over all the rubble. It's like bloody mountaineering, and the kids are terrified'".

Dave checks the mortar on his latest re-creation: 'A loose hold can spell instant death,' he says. 'It's not like a wonky bannister tha knows.'

While sleeping on the sofa that night, Dave hatched his ingenious business plan. "I thought I'd start small, like, then build up from there." He put word out around town, and the very next week, he had his first commission. "This local bloke I know were tearing his hair out because the hills were shut with foot and mouth. He wanted me to replace the staircase in his terrace with a full-size replica of Crib Goch, so I got a job-lot of concrete off-cuts from the scrapyard, and reproduced the knife-edge ridge from pictures in this guidebook," he explained, holding up a copy of Britain's Highest Peaks.

To make it even more authentic, Dave painted the concrete Welsh Grey, and stuck two shop dummies to the ridge to evoke 'gripped' ramblers. Dave's first customer was ecstatic. The only problem came when his wife slipped on a wet hold just below the landing and was lucky to survive.

As word has spread, Dave's talents have been in massive demand. "I put a full-scale replica of the Aonach Eagach in a two-up, two-down in Brighouse last week, and at the moment, I'm working on a repro Striding Edge in a converted barn in Huddersfield. The lady wanted it to be spot-on, so I've got my brother-in-law, who's a plumber, to rig up an overhead dual-bessicated pipe system with fully pigillated flanges and over-torque. This means that the minute she sets foot on Striding Edge, whether it's to go to the loo, or get to the bedromm, it will automatically start pissing it down. The lady's over the moon."

Call Dave Blunt's Building Services on 0800 ROCKJOB

(this story originally appeared in the Brickfield Chronicle, circulation 1,403)