The Lee Side

The Lee Side

This month Alastair gives over-equipped tourists the fashion test treatment.

I'd been hired to shoot Jack Straw, JFK-stylee, through the back of the head... well, that is to say I'd been hired to shoot him corporate photography-style for the local entrepreneurs' awards ceremony. Yes, our esteemed Home Secretary was giving the framed certificates away while the only man in the room wearing trainers - your truly - was taking the photos. I felt a bit like the vicar in a porn shop - or should that be the porn star in a church? Ah, the irony of it all.

Speaking of irony, did you know that 80% of visitors to the Lake District don't stray further than 400m from a car park, and two thirds of day-trippers to the Peak District hang out in Castleton? Yet most of these tourists wear top notch clothing designed to withstand gale-force arctic winds, high altitude snowstorms and control body temperature under considerably more exertion than a half-mile walk to the factory shop.

'most of these tourists wear top notch clothing designed to withstand gale-force arctic winds'

Surely, I thought to myself, it's time the outdoor gear testers had a rethink and started reviewing kit aimed at the urban environment? Determined to spearhead this revolution, I took three jackets - Blue, Red, Yellow - with slightly different zip pulls, variable quality of Velcro and position of pockets - all available with optional walk faster stripes - and asked my team of experts to give them an urban rating.

First analysis

The first and perhaps most challenging assessment for any outdoor jacket, the stringent 'Walking to the Pub in the Rain Test', gave some insighful results…The Blue Jacket suffered an unfortunate shift in luminosity. The wet - and therefore darker - shade of blue resulted in a clash with denims: not a good look for Friday night, especially when it comes to appeasing the doormen at BJ's ("Sorry mate, your name's not Paul Smith, you're not coming in). Familiar words to all who've braved their wrath in polypros in the past …

The Yellow Jacket - which, let's face it, looked piss-poor to begin with - only got worse in the rain. On the plus side, the jacket's contemporary Thigh Guttering System (TGS) ensured soaking wet legs on arrival at the bar. This provided ample excuses for the girls, or guys, or both, to squeeze your legs. Yellow also has a huge, Hide me Hood ™, to stop anybody spotting your poor style before reaching the cloakroom. This proves beyond doubt the designers weren't completely stoned at the time.

'the Thigh Guttering System (TGS) ensured soaking wet legs on arrival at the bar'

And finally, the market leading Red Jacket, featuring a Breathable Sheath (BS), came up trumps with the experts (which is a little odd as Red only chucked us £3000, rather than the industry standard £5000 plus tickets to the Chatham Islands). Yes kids, Red's the winner as wet or dry it matches your Levis, actually has waist pockets to put your lazy hands in - ideal when slouching against nightclub walls - and comes with those all-important sneaky zips on the inside lining, providing ideal storage for items you don't wish the police to find.

To round off this crusading cape of shopping malls and dark nights out, Red is made of the revolutionary water resistant material, Tore-Rex (T-Rex) - guaranteeing all pints spilt stay on the outside and don't endanger the de rigeur paisley shirt. And should you find yourself in a scuffle with the girl who just nicked your partner's handbag, the thief's oversized fingernails will be on the floor long before any of the jacket's stitching.

Second Coming

The second - and perhaps even more challenging - test was to tumble-dry the jackets for two hours on the 'too hot for outdoor gear' setting. Ah, we shouldn't have done that! Our three jackets moulded into a lump of multi-coloured plastic with random zips drooping from the molten sculpture. In retrospect I should have learnt from that time in Vancouver when a laundrette turned my Helly Hansen base-layer into a cassette with sleeves. Although this was not totally regrettable, as the Tate are interested in our proposed 'Clothing by Picasso' exhibition.

So kids, if you find your current outdoor jacket, like the Yellow and Blue models, fail the urban tests and causes your street cred to plummet faster than a tank-top at the Oscars, you could always make a radical escape from the fashion police by, say, climbing a mountain?

 

© Alastair Lee is a climber, photographer and performer he's currently working on his next show Made in China. Check out www.posingproductions.com. The Lee Side appears monthly in On The Hill magazine, our off line print partners - ideal for reading at those times when your monitor's out of reach - find out more about On The Hill by clicking here.