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Forget shark diving and base jumping, camping is
officially the scariest outdoor activity or so Alastair
reckons. Even more scary, for this month only, you have to
pretend that you're readng a paper magazine. Cross the
suspension bridge of disbelief and jump right off...
Stuck at the back with
you...
Ermmmmmm... ah welcome, you've made it to the back page,
well done. It's odd they stick me here, lurking innocently
opposite some glorious techni-coloured branding where nobody
will notice? No, actually it's probably the first page all
the sifters in WHSmiths read. Well I hope I haven't put you
off. At least this month's picture isn't indecent. Ha, bet
you wish you'd have bought last month's issue now?
So what's the scariest time you've ever had in the outdoors?
Clutching a surfboard whilst being dragged backwards though
an Atlantic riptide? Gibbering 10 metres above your last
piece of pro on a climb that's too hard for you? Or watching
your bike's headset rattle loose as you break the sound
barrier on a perilous descent?
I don't wish to be presumptuous, I'm sure some of you are
loyal subscribers or at least bought this copy yourself.
Personally I never buy magazines, after all you can read
them all in Menzie's or get a reasonable synopsis from the
internet. (Too right. Ed) Then again, rather than
standing at a crowded newspaper stand, it's preferable to
read magazines in their rightful place. Viz, hiding
self-consciously in a double-page spread while on the tube,
with some caffeine in the staff room or, more traditionally,
on the bog.
The depths, the
depths...
Jesus, I'm not dreaming, that is a real animal, outside
the real tent, in the real Chinese wilderness and I'm really
crapping myself. Lions-and-tigers-and-bears spring to mind,
don't laugh I'm serious! It could be... a dragon? A demon or
maybe.... THE BOGEYMAN!! That same day I'd had a close
encounter with an avalanche, climbed VERY loose rock and
seen half the Yunnan wafting between my legs on the
aforementioned loose ridge. Climbers think they know what
fear is. As do surfers and bikers, and of course they do.
However, compared to the heart-pumping terror the depths of
your own imagination can produce... Big waves, dizzy
heights...phu... ever camped alone in Canada? Once in the
dark solitude of a tent, the sound of your own breath
becomes an approaching beast. Technically this is known as
BEARANOID.
The Leeside, what's it supposed to do? You can't take it
to a hill for an interesting way up or find out what outdoor
logos are monopolising the marketplace. Which reminds me,
have you noticed all the outdoor jackets worn by the Afghan
war correspondents? The Lowes, the Bergs they're all in
there, talk about diversifying. I didn't realise Gore-Tex
had anti-shrapnel properties.
'The last word in post-postmodern irony' somebody once
said, that's a little high brow though. If you got lost in
all those posts, it literally means, irony. The Leeside is
ironic, you're reading irony.
...and a scowling
possum
You don't need telling? Look, have you ever heard an
Australian possum? They sound evil! They look cute, granted,
but possums sound like
pissed-off-cynical-resurrected-satanic-spirits. And if
there's a scowling possum strutting around your tent and you
don't know the connection between the colloquial furry
marsupial and monster acoustics, IT'S SCARY, I'm telling
you!
Perhaps you didn't need that. But as we're approaching
the end of the article what we do need is the last line. The
one that sums up the whole manifesto and is delivered in
grand postmodern style. Like the last line in a comedy
sketch it should also be the funniest (bar last month's when
I was having a bad day). As this is contemporary stuff, this
month I'm going to leave the last line up to you, the
reader! Just remember, its got to involve reading magazines
in everyday situations, connect with camping, danger and hit
irony squarely between the posts.
No point mentioning the guy walking through the Arndale
Centre reading 'Practical Caravan' who bust his nose on a
billboard for 'Personal Injury Claims'. No, thought not.
© Alastair
Lee is a climber, photographer and performer currently
touring with his new show Made in China. Check out
www.posingproductions.com.
The Lee Side appears monthly in On The Hill magazine, our
off line print partners - ideal for reading at those times
when your monitor's out of reach and you've reversed over
your laptop again.
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