The Perfect Outdoors Caff

The outdoors, wouldn't of course, be the outdoors without the outdoors caff - it's that mug of steaming tea and lump of cake or bacon buttie after a day spent in hand to hand combat with the elements that draws a satisfying, stomach-lining full stop under the whole experience.

But how do you recognise an outdoors caff and what makes a top one? To save you the toe-curling embarassment of wandering into the 'wrong' teashop darlings, we've tallied up the essential attributes of the quintissential hill cafe and topped it all with a quick listing of your faves. So put the kettle on, grab the biscuit jar and let's get the order in...

It probably won't come as a blinding shock to you that the classic outdoor caff is located in a classic walking or climbing area - doh, as Homer would say if he were a climber - yep, it helps if it's right there on hand as soon as you get off the hill. The longer the walk or drive, the less satisfying it all seems.

By these criteria, the tea shack in the Ogwen Valley is probably the most convenient walking caff - if you call it that - and Eric Jone's place at Tremadog scoops the climbing honours. Beyond that though, it can be anywhere, though visibility - Pete's Eats on Llanberis High Street (is there another street in Llanberis) is a good example - though Wilf's in Stavely, though weirdly tucked away in a light industrial estate, is still an absolute cracker.

The ideal outdoors caff demands a degree of eccentricity from the host. They needn't be barking mad, though it helps, just being a bit odd is enough. It all builds the legend. Who can ever forget the ever-muliplying notices at the Grindleford Station caff, where virtually nothing beyond sitting, eating and drinking is allowed?

Or the legendarily frosty welcome of the lady who runs the Station Caff in Edale for that matter, though we've always found her very welcoming. And of course there's Pete of Pete's Eats, a lovely, lovely bloke. Let's be honest, the sort of place that employs a stream of teenage Saturday girls just doesn't cut it. Sorry Longlands, you need some attitude.

It's the people as make the caff, of course, but it's also vitally important that the interior isn't too twee or, gawd help us, clean. Doilies are fine for tourists, but outside of southern cliff climbing arenas, they don't sit too well with muddy boots and wet Gore-Tex (or eVENT, okay?).

So grot is hot, well, sort of. It's fine line, but what's crucial to a really good outdoors caff is enough heat to generate a steaming, smouldering, cake and bacon fug in winter. Ideally the windows will be steamed up leaving you shrouded in a mildly claustrophic, womb-like comfort blanket. Mmmmm...

Take some hard-bitten gnarly old veterans, add in a sprinkling of fresh-faced students, the odd family group and you're getting there. Ideally though you want some non-outdoors people so you can bask in the smug and erroneous self-satisfaction of having been out on some windswept hill all day while they did DIY and shopping.

Except of course at Pete's in Llanberis, where you just feel slightly foolish in the face of the local kids who live alongside Snowdon without taking the slightest interest in it and shrink into the shadow of hard-bitten climbing community locals who've gradually shared enough molecules with the local rock to become part of it...

The Company Of Kit...

Not strictly necessary, but attractive to some, is the proximity of a good gear shop or two. Of course this can all go a bit too far and in the case of Longlands - above Outside in Hathersage - and the Nevisport cafe in Fort William, it has. Still, if you want to pick up a new fleece between mouthfuls of chocolate cake, it makes it all disarmingly simple. Oh, is that the idea. Otherwise you might, god forbid, have to walk between cafe and shop, which would be just tooooo tiring.

Crucial, forget coffee, forget hot chocolate, it's all about the tea. So what are you looking for? Simple, strong, unpretentious tea that comes in a tea pot with water to top it up or, alternatively, in bloody great mugs.

Forget your snotty Earl Grey and Lapsang Souchong, stuff like Yorkshire Tea brewed so strong you can stand a trekking pole in it or a nice cup of Assam are what's needed. And it needs to be hot, so hot that you can sit there meditating while it cools down enough to drink, or simply scald the skin off your tongue. If there's no decent tea, it ain't a caff. Simple.

'Cake, Not Gateau!' is our motto. Simple, big chunks of home-baked cake are a total must - chocolate, fruit, ginger, coffee and walnut with big slabs of industrial frosting or icing are where it's at. Flapjack if you really need to pretend to be healthy, but sod it, this is a sensory experience.

What you really do not want is fiddly, small portions of intricately created gateau served with cake forks. Cake forks, we should emphasise, are the enemy of the people and the instruments of oppression used against the outdoor proletariat. Don't touch the bloody things.

Bacon butties / rolls / sarnies are essential, but chips are good too, beans, sausages, food. But not picky, fussy food, you need food in big portions like Pete's Giant Omelette, food and lots of it. Get the idea? Good. If you're a vegetarian, you want Wilf's in Stavely.

Some time back in pre-history, we asked you which your favourite outdoor caffs were and why. Here's a selection of your choices.

Erics at Tremadog 'The best cafe i have visited in North Wales, it provides decent 'real cups of tea, large filling breakfasts, friendly service. Most of all Eric Jonesstill serves himself (occasionally) and for anyone in the climbing, hill-walking, mountaineering fraternity he has to be a real hero.' - Helen Vickerson.

Wilfs at Staveley 'The best cafe without a doubt - If you have had a day walking on the fells or mountain biking the local trails there is no finer place than Wilfs. Either chill out watching the river flow by or sit down stairs reading mags and papers in the hustle and bustle of people coming and going. Don't forget Wilfs flapjacks, properly the best in the world! a culinary treat!' - David Bridge

Glenmore Mountain Shop Caff 'There are two things that make this caff stand out for me apart from the food. The first is the hundreds of postcards from around the world that are on the walls. You can spend hours reading each one ... The second thing are the red squirrels.

'I can recommend the bacon rolls in the morning as some the best I've tasted. Top the bacon off with a mug of tea and your set for the day in some of the best mountains in the country. And when you get back (over another mug of tea), sample the carrot cake or better still the apple strudels.' - Jeremy Hadall

Grindleford Caff 'Where else can you get a chip buttie the size of your own head, along with faceless and unfair insults on the walls?' - James Smith

'A proper down to earth caff where you can get a top sausage cob washed down with either a pint of beer or a mug of bovril depending on the temperature outside!' - Dena Guy

Bernie's Cafe in Ingleton 'An age old Cafe mainly for Cavers, but also climbers, walkers, bikers and vagrants. Inglesport may attract some of the young crowd who don't like to get their gear dirty - but those in the know and the old timers stick true to the faith. Better value gear, better food (the best cheese on toast in the land), traditional service and honest opinion.' - Steve Turnbull

Pete's Eats 'Without a doubt.' - Richatf Mumford.

Sutton Bank 'The cafe at the top of Sutton Bank, which is part of a North York Moors National Park Visitor Centre. I like the place as it has a nice relaxed atmosphere and quite an upmarket styled seating area, gives big portions and sells some of the finest cakes in the country but the creme de la creme is the hot chocolate, it is served in a large glass with lashingings of thick whipped cream and a piece of chocolate shaved on the top!!! and the hot chocolate aint to bad either actually that's also very creamy!' - Mark Brodie

See you in the caff then...