Your 2002 Outdoor Stars

High on the Mystic Mountain, his crystal horns humming in the cosmic winds, the Mystic Mouflon (it's a sort of mountain goat, all right) divines the astral patterns that govern your outdoor life. Here are his goaty prognostications for 2002, ignore them at your own risk.

Aries - The Ram - March 21 to April 20

Your sign is classically self-absorbed, which explains why nobody wants to go walking with you between January and April. May however is a good month for using soap and a long overdue bath may see a turn about in your fortunes as Mercury enters your anus, sorry, Uranus (oops). Beware a tall dark man in an ill-fititng shell jacket on 12 October and refuse offers of Kendal Mint Cake from an attractive blonde - she's after more than you realise. The arrival of a linguinal conjunction in early December may teach you to take more care when walking on boggy terrain.

Best Arien Gear Choice: waterproof socks

Taurus - The Bull - April 21 to May 21

Oh dear Taurus, things are looking rough. The year will begin badly and get progressively worse before going into a terminal tail spin by February. Your headstrong navigation has always been poor, but this year you will plum new depths. Holding the map the right way up would be a start. Resist the temptation to snog the bearded National Park Ranger during the conjunction of the moon and Venus in late August and don't order the fettuccini, you know what happened last time. You may as well accept the mint cake - it's the best offer you're likely to get this year. Female Taureans should make sure their sports bra fits okay, it will be needed.

Best Taurean Gear Choice: GPS unit

Gemini - The Twins - May 22 to June 21

Sublime intuition means an exciting Spring is in prospect for the astral twins - you may tackle a classic long distance path or even join your local Ramblers group. On no account grow a beard however - the presence of Saturn in the occluded constellation of Orion should wield an cosmic razor across the mountain stubble of your soul. In September climb only mountains of between 2400 feet and 2550 feet. You will be the recipient of an exciting proposition from a sleeping bag in the second half of the year. Snap it up and worry about the loose feathers later. Be wary of sheep, they bear you malice.

Best Gemini Gear Choice - Sleeping bag liner.

Cancer - The Crab - June 22 to July 23

Your pathetic efforts to give away Kendal Mint Cake got you in trouble in 2001 and will have the same consequences in 2002 - stop it now, no-one wants the stuff. Instead spend the first part of the year baking delicious flapjacks and learning to drive. Your crablike desire for security makes for some excellent belays in early May and you can tackle routes up to E1 with confidence knowing that your anchors will hold fast. Check your number three Rock however, it may not be all it seems. You will climb Everest this October, but remember to take some anti-perspirant.

Best Cancer Gear Choice: Number three Rock

Leo - The Lion - July 24 to August 23

A wrestling match with a sheep in early March will see only one winner and, Leo, it's not you. In fact you'd be best advised to stay indoors until the winter snows melt since you are, this year, to crampons, what Uri Geller is to cutlery. This minor inconvenience aside, it will be a truly splendid year for Leo. Your natural confidence and leadership qualities will come to the fore in July when you will win the undying adoration of a Duke of Edinburgh award party and your astute colour choices will make you the darling of the local Ramblers club. One word of caution however, everyone hates a smart arse, so always wear a helmet.

Best Gear Choice: Helmet

Virgo - The Virgin - August 24 to September 23

A low-key year builds towards an auspicious evening around the camp fire between 20 and 25 October - eat carefully or your windproof base layers could well be put to the test. Other Virgo leitmotifs for 2002 are a tendency to wobble on high ridges and an inability to light stoves. Beware an overeager gear salesman in August, PacLite trousers may seem like the answer to your relationship difficulties, but your partner will dump you anyway. If you visit Nepal, take sardines, the reason will be apparent once you are there. Leave the Mint Cake behind.

Best Gear Choice: Sardines

Libra - The Scales - September 24 - October 23

Libra is the sign of hydrophilic breathable membranes, but don't let that stop you from trying alternative clothing systems, particularly in March when the cosmic tides will wash kindly over polymer-based proofing agents. As ever you may find it hard to reach a firm decision, thought he arrival of Saturn in Capricorn later in the month and a promising conjunction with a deep-fried pizza may make you mind up for you. In May avoid trig points at all costs, they are out to get you. By August the danger will have passed and you can venture onto higher ground and sing with the larks. More pressingly, there is a very nasty smell coming from your fridge, sort it out.

Best Gear Choice: Hat

Scorpio - The Scorpion - October 24 - November 22

Those born under this sign are moody and intense and astral coming togethers this spring will intensify these tendencies. Hopes for outdoor romance are bleak so best stick to more prosaic activities like walking and climbing. Don't allow yourself to be lured into a false sense of security on 14 June, the Kendal Mint Cake is not what it seems though the encounter may lead to the ascent of a high summit. Appropriately the year has a sting in its tail for Scorpions and you will fart uncontrollably throughout October. Eating cat food is not a good idea.

Best Gear Choice: waterproof socks

Sagittarius - the Archer - November 23 - December 21st

Half man, half horse, you will continue to face right of way disputes when you choose to venture out on footpaths, sticking to bridleways during the first half of the year will alleviate the situation. Otherwise this will be a fantastic year for Sagittarians and the sky is the limit, you will hit anything you aim for and much more on an accidental basis. Astute product purchases throughout the year will make you the envy of your walking buddies, but the fur-lined jock strap is a mistake. Female Sagittarians will face similar complications with bras. Sagittarians born on Christmas Day are actually Capricorn. Sorry.

Best Gear Choice: wellies

Capricorn - the Goat - December 22 - January 20

2002 will be an atrocious year for Capricorn - the conjunction of Mercury, Uranus, Saturn, Mars, Jupiter and Venus in your house in early March signals cataclysmic badness and bowel problems on a monumental scale. On no account leave the house until 2003.

Best Gear Choice: televisions set.

Aquarius - the Water Bearer - January 21 - February 19

You have obsessed over hydration systems for too long now, 2002 is the year when you simply must seize the bull by the horns, grasp the nettle and put your money where your mouth is. In short, the time for talking is over. Otherwise, Aquarians' jaunty walking style will find favour with a secret admirer in July, though not necessarily the one you were hoping for. Take care when crossing stiles however, or it all may come to nought. What you take for heavy snow in December is actually dandruff, time for a trip to Boots.

Best Gear Choice: Hydration System

Pisces - The Fish - February 20 - March 20

Swim little fishies, swim! The year is your oyster and you will be feeling frisky throughout, but watch your step on February 26 when hurried stuffsac action could lead to unforseen complications in around nine months time, depending on the species. Consider a primary school teaching course to relieve your fantasies of power and domination and on no account go out without platting your nasal hair. Icicles could signal a cold spell.

Best Gear Choice: Titanium Pan Set