Your 2003 Outdoor Stars

Aries - The Ram - March 21 to April 20

Hot, fiery and always ready to jump straight in, those born under the sign of the Ram make ideal avalanche poodles - give them their head and see if that slope is as stable as it looks. If you survive the winter, and the conjunction of Venus and Mars in your fifth house means you may be best off staying indoors, the summer looks hot. Oooh, Aeries, outdoor romance is writ big in your stars - watch out for thistles though and make sure it's you who ends up on top. A cosmic eruption on 25 July could dampen your ardour so don't forget to pack a waterproof shell. Watch out for a vengeful trig point come September, you'll regret those remarks made in jest so many years ago.

Best Arien Hill Food: let's face it, you'll eat anything, but avoid herrings this year.

Taurus - The Bull - April 21 to May 21

Your slow, steady nature and obstinate mind-set make you a nightmare walking companion and explains those moths nesting in your favourite fleece pants. This year however will see a brisk acceleration in your walking speed and you may even catch up for long enough to share some of that bovine soup you cherish. Taureans should watch out for loose boulders in April, September and the second half of November play it cool though and they may simply leave you alone. The funny smell coming from your rucksac is the banana you forgot to eat last Spring - difficult choices must be made between composting and cleaning. Romance? With Jupiter appearing in Uranus, you'd best forget it.

Best Taurean Hill Food: vegetarian pasta salad.

Gemini - The Twins - May 22 to June 21

2003 is a year of choice for Geminis, your path twists and turns with many a junction and hard to follow diversion through poorly maintained farmyards. You may be wise to invest in a cosmic GPS and larger scale maps. Having said that, beware the effect of your magnetic personality on compass needles. June is a good month for following high, well-defined ridgelines, but don't sit down on that inviting tussock Gemini, it isn't what it seems. Outdoor romance is highlighted on 26 March and 17 November so think twice before donning those heavy duty salopettes. Finally, while the tribulations of a late summer walking expedition may drive you to despair, do not panic, a timely fall of rock will sort your truculent walking companion once and for all.

Best Gemini Hill Food - fish finger cheese and mustard toasties will fuel your fire.

Cancer - The Crab - June 22 to July 23

Oversensitive to a fault, this is the year when things finally boil over and you wreak a terrible revenge on the world. Walking and climbing will be the least of your worries as you painstakingly construct a thermo-nuclear device capable of mass destruction and the annihilation of Walsall. Fortunately warmer weather in July could lead to a change of heart and more modest plans, perhaps a Munro or two? On the climbing front, your crablike, shuffling gait makes you ideally suited for traverses, so this could be the year you finally tackle Dream Of White Horses. Is that purple lycra really necessary though?

Best Cancer Hill Food: crab sticks go down well in 2003

Leo - The Lion - July 24 to August 23

A born leader, but a bit of a pain in the arse eh? Leo, it's time to do some following, your constantly poor navigation skills have pissed off everyone you know.More positively Leo is the sign of alternative shell systems and, on the gear front, 2003 should be your year. A word of warning though, enhanced breathability is all very well, but won't land you the man or woman of your outdoor dreams, particularly during April when frankly any attempts at romance are doomed. Avoid boggy ground in July, your meaty paw pads could see you sink without trace as others look on and snigger. Things get better in the last week of December, so hang on in there.

Best Leo Hill Food: avacado and bacon sarnies will rock your world in 2003

Virgo - The Virgin - August 24 to September 23

Just the same as 2003 I'm afraid: a low-key year builds towards an auspicious evening around the camp fire between 20 and 25 October - eat carefully or your windproof base layers could well be put to the test. Other Virgo leitmotifs for 2002 are a tendency to wobble on high ridges and an inability to light stoves. Beware an overeager gear salesman in August, PacLite trousers may seem like the answer to your relationship difficulties, but your partner will dump you anyway. If you visit Nepal, take sardines, the reason will be apparent once you are there. Leave the Mint Cake behind.

Best Virgo Hill Food: Yeti Gaiters will go down well with a hot apple sauce.

Libra - The Scales - September 24 - October 23

Libra! Beware of low-flying pizza slices if you're in the Lake District this March as the cosmic tides come in and hint at a better life on the far side of that rather unattractive-looking ridge. An unfortunate confusion between a bottle of Nikwax TX10 and your usual moisturiser could have drastic results over the summer, but on the whole, this is going to be a great year for Librans to push themselves to the limit. You must though overcome your tendency to put off big decisions or that wild camp meal will never even get started let alone finished. In October you will solo K2 without oxygen. There is still a very nasty smell coming from your fridge, sort it out.

Best Libran Hill Food: Anything which isn't actively decomposing will do this year.

Scorpio - The Scorpion - October 24 - November 22

Time to cut to the chase - Scorpio, you are a moody, difficult, intense, bastard, though strangely attractive at the same time. 2003 will bring those qualities into sharp relief as you strive to find suitable legwear. On no account buy Ronhill Tracksters, even you will struggle to look good in these, instead move towards softshell solutions. Your iron will makes you a formidably stubborn climber and mountaineer, but your tendency to want to shag anything that moves could be problematical on longer routes. Watch out for women wearing blue. Finally, I warn you once again to stay off the cat food. It didn't work for you in 2002 and it won't work this year either. Shouldn't you wash your socks more often?

Best Scorpio Hill Food: Mars Bar.

Sagittarius - the Archer - November 23 - December 21st

Half man, half horse, if you have any sense whatsoever, you'll bolt the stable door, sit down on the sofa and stay inside throughout 2003. It's going to be a stinker. If you do venture outside, make sure you wear a helmet at all time. The astral gods of the outdoors have it in for you big time and sheep cascading from the skies, bottomless puddles and psychotic dogs wielding ice axes will be just the start of things. The problems began with that fur-lined jock strap we warned you against last year, but did you listen? There is one bright spot in your year however, that 50,000 scale map of Snowdon has fallen down behind the chest of drawers and should be easy to recover. Avoid anywhere above the 2700 foot contour line, the conjunction of Mars and Venus in your loft makes these elevations more than usually hazardous.

Best Hill Food: takeway pizza on your own, safe, comfy sofa

Capricorn - the Goat - December 22 - January 20

Good news, you can put the horrors of 2002 behind you and a post Christmas windfall will enable you to have the gaping hole in your lycra tights repaired and enhance your popularity at the climbing wall. That will be just the start of a fantastic year for Capricorns as you climb all 14 8,000-metre peaks, lead E9 on rock and win the Boardman Tasker prize for mountaineering literature. December 14 will see a setback however, as the lace on your left walking boot which has been fraying for ages - hasn't it you careless little goat - finally snaps. Watch out for a tall, lean, attractive member of the opposite sex in head to foot Gore-Tex - you'll sense the chance of romance, but they're just after the arrears on your credit card bill.

Best Hill Food: This year you can eat anything except fig rolls.

Aquarius - the Water Bearer - January 21 - February 19

Time to chuck out that old urn and get a proper rucksac. The carry over from this major decision will be rapid and sweeping changes in posture and bearing which will transform your life for ever. Then, in the early part of the year, the fierce force of Mars will flow into your top pocket and propel you to ever higher summits as your walking is turbocharged by renewed energy and drive. Aquarians are also known for holding maps upside down, but a concerted effort on your part can and will change this and win countless ardent admirers. It's not all good news though, a hard to shake fungal infection will mean that you smell really bad this year and a dalliance with a macrobiotic diet could bring on farting of cataclysmic proportions. One last thought, trim your toe nails now. No-one loves toes that look like refugees from the Jurassic era...

Best Hill Food: Herrings.

Pisces - The Fish - February 20 - March 20

Pisces, Pisces, Pisces... It's time for a whole new outdoors wardrobe for 2003. Boots, pants, shirt, fleece, hat, gloves, ice gear, jacket, overtrousers and a new tent. The good news is that you will look and feel fantastic with fellow mountain goers clamouring to bask in the reflection of your loveliness. Unfortunately the cost will bankrupt you making every other area of your life a wallowing pool of muddy misery. Still, at least your nasal hair should be more under control this year. If you spot a tall man in yellow Tracksters, run for your fishy life. If he gets close enough, you'll realise why.

Best Hill Food: Lobster bisque will go down nicely on cooler days.