Your Outdoor Stars For 2006

Aries - The Ram - March 21 to April 20

Aries, Aries, Aries. Where do we begin? If you thought 2005 was bad then you're in for a shock, this year will be a real stinker. The linguinal conjunction of Uranus and Venus in early March will weaken your grip strength to truly pathetic levels and severe avalanches will dog your steps even when there's no snow around. It's not all bad though. May brings a new pair of socks which could transform certain aspects of your life and in September a magical bunion will signal a long-term shift in your outdoor prospects. Mind that sticky fly-zip in late October, your guardian planet is taking time out and if you're not careful you will be too. This year's lucky colour for Aerians is stone.

Your outdoor love stars Look closely into the mirror Aries, it's about the nearest you're likely to find to love between now and 2017 when a falling piece of satellite debris will move briefly into your sign and signal a quick one-night stand. Make the most of it...

Taurus - The Bull - April 21 to May 21

You may seem thick skinned but by heck, for a bull, you don't half bruise easily - an investment in a good crash pad is advisable. It's not all bad though, Taureans are renowned for their ability to bivvy successfully and this year should bring an exciting new overnight site into view. It may seem hard at first, but clear away some of those rocks and you'll be skipping around like a gazelle. Your birthday month opens up a novel spell when you will succeed in summiting any mountain you attempt and by the end of August you will have ticked off all the Himalayan 8,000ers. Don't get too cocky though, a low-flying Cumbrian chicken could spell disaster, so always carry a baseball bat in your pack. One word of caution, walking partners will be unusually obtuse this year, make a point of checking their route choices carefully or carry a parachute. Oh, by the way, your cats need worming. Your lucky colour for 2006 is deep, matt red.

Your outdoor love stars After a so, so 2005, prospects for 2006 look better. Check suitors for a shaggy coat and a cold wet nose before cementing the relationship with choccy drops and a nice bottle of chablis. Oh heck yes.

Gemini - The Twins - May 22 to June 21

Your ambiguous relationship with that Buffalo crotch strap will continue into 2006. We told you to cut the darn thing off back in 2004, but would you listen? It may take months for your voice to resume its normal pitch. The conjunction of Pluto, the planet of poor route choices and unstable snow slopes with a particularly nasty dehydrated meal augurs badly for late summer and wise Geminis will simply stay indoors between July and September. One positive aspect to your chart is that come November, you'll discover that you have two left-sided walking boots which will explain a lot of your ongoing blister problems, brighter Geminis will check now and save 11 months of pain, but you never were that clever were you? Your lucky gear colour is coyote.

Your outdoor love stars A short course of liposuction may seem the answer to all your problems, however the appearance of a tall, dark, mountain rescue person will signal the end to your problems even if the hypothermia puts a damper on any romance.

Cancer - The Crab - June 22 to July 23

On no account answer the front door this year. That rock you dislodged in Corsica last June definitely hit the wrong people and the horse's head you found in your bivvy sac was more than just coincidence. Apart from that minor inconvenience, 2006 is looking positive for crabby folk. The strange woman next door, the one who'd been secretly putting small bits of grit in your walking boots when you weren't looking will move away at last and a mystic herring will point the way to overcoming that elusive crux move you've been struggling with for years. Oddly though, it's a lowland walk that's likely to bring you greatest fulfillment though a psychotic horse will spell danger in mid-April. Don't worry though, it's just after your Kendal Mint Cake and has eaten your wallet by mistake. Always fasten the chest strap on your pack. Your lucky gear colour is gloss earthenware.

Your outdoor love stars Just fageddaboutit, celibacy is about the best you can hope for this year and let's not even think about the alternatives...

Leo - The Lion - July 24 to August 23

After the confusion of 2005 - and yes, we both know you're confused - 2006 at last ushers in a period of utter conviction for Leos. One for shoplifting and, if you're unlucky, come July, a further charge of indecent exposure. On the plus side, your local supermarket will at last start stocking Green and Blacks organic chocolate ice cream which you should eat before it melts. One word of warning, the mummified banana we warned you about two years ago is still lurking in the bottom of your pack and it's not happy. Take the hint and stick to canned food in future. The good news is that you will climb Everest without oxygen and find a jackpot-winning lottery ticket on the summit. One last thought, a change of dwelling is definitely positive, but rope up for those dodgy stairs. Your lucky gear colour is matt drain.

Your outdoor love stars The lothario of the outdoors world, you can expect to pull on every outing. Beware though, many of your suitors are attracted only to your dapper softshell jacket and aren't to be trusted.

Virgo - The Virgin - August 24 to September 23

Re-sole your boots, cook only with a propane / butane gas mix and follow the dodgy-looking redhead across Crib Goch and everything will be going your way in 2006. The only fly in the ointment is a truly dire water repellent coating on your favourite shell jacket, never mind, it'll make a nice tea towel. September is a good month for abseiling which willl make your dismal failure to reach the top of even the smallest hummock feel slightly better. Your lucky gear colour is dayglo pink. Who'd have thought it eh?

Your outdoor love stars You will find true love, shame it's just a new brand of chocolate bar...

Libra - The Scales - September 24 - October 23

The fridge you should have cleaned out three years ago has reached crisis point, by May a colony of strange green organic things will emerge from it, destroy your house and most likely kill you. In the unlikely event that you survive, re-proofing your boots will restore the astral balance and guarantee success on all grade 3 scrambles. Your unlucky colour is slime green. By way your dog needs worming. Oh, one other piece of advice: adopting differential lacing techniques this spring could revolutionise your life, but make sure your boots are the right way round this time.

Your outdoor love stars Love is the least of your worries, if you must, try Rentokill and temper romance with practicality. In fact it may be your best hope of survival.

Scorpio - The Scorpion - October 24 - November 22

Feel the force young Jedi - 2006 is the year that your starfighter finally takes off ushering in a positive period of tight-fitting mid-layers and highly breathable shell pants to match your sign's close associations with sex, death and passion. Beware though, overtight clothing could put the mockers on all three and increase your characteristic moodiness. It's not all good news though, colour choice is crucial in 2006, get it wrong and your life won't be worth living. Speaking of which, be nice to your line manager at all times, there is more resting on their good humour than you may realise. The woman you snog at a September party turns out to be Chris Bonington, take it as a sign that you should drink less in future. Your lucky colour for this year is rare green water armadillo.

Your outdoor love stars Scorpios are widely acknowledged to be the best lovers around, mainly because I'm writing this and I am one, and 2006 is looking pretty damn good for you.

Sagittarius - the Archer - November 23 - December 21st

Half-man, half-horse, a handy combination means you're as at home on bridleways as you are on footpaths, but be careful not to trip over those contour lines. With your head in the clouds and your hooves firmly planted on the ground you are an astral conundrum of grounded idealism. Fortunately your ruling planet Jupiter also governs GPS use so the lack of good visibility up top won't be accompanied by navigational problems. In May and June, Venus, the goddess of walking socks is in contrary mood, which could usher in a period of blisters, however by August you will be in fine fettle and inspired to tackle an epic walk which will help you realise just how much potential you have. Be wary though, your partner will attempt to sell the family home in your absence, which could make for an expensive outing. Beware of sheep avalanches and no, those are not raisins. Your lucky colour is beige.

Your outdoor love stars A beautiful outdoors person in nicely designed soft shell will come into your life this year and usher in an enduring period of highly wind-resistant romance.

Capricorn - the Goat - December 22 - January 20

After the last three disastrous years - yes, we know it was you who triggered that avalanche goaty boy - 2006 will at last bring some respite and rays of golden sun. It will be a fantastic year to shop for sleeping bags and our advice is to stick with high quality down and a lightweight, but highly water-resistant shell. As we've mentioned in the past, Capricorn is the sign of alternative clothing systems which have sometimes let you down in the past. Don't fret, Mercury's presence in your sign this spring will guarantee both water-proofing and excellent moisture vapour transfer rates in whatever garb you select. August is well aspected for foreign trips, but be wary of the impact of Jupiter which could cause severe rockfall as well as ushering in a period of endless winter which could wipe out all life on earth, so get some perspective. Everest is just too tall, try K2 instead. Your lucky colour is passion fruit.

Your outdoors love stars It's time to give up your forlorn pursuit of Chris Bonington and settle for someone more attainable. How about Alan Hinkes, we hear he's very nice.

Aquarius - the Water Bearer - January 21 - February 19

If things look dark during the first few months of 2006, don't despair, it's because you've fitted a 40-watt light bulb in place of the usual 100-watter. By summer though, you will be cooking on gas and unstoppable both uphill and down. Come July, the conjunction of Mars, Venus, Pluto, Jupiter, Saturn and that odd-looking old fella from down the road signals a favourable time for Munro bagging, so head north and don't forget to pack the midge repellent. The wild full moon weekend at the end of August makes it a great time to cut loose on that V Diff you failed on in 1973. This time things will be different, not least because climbing rubber has improved a whole lot since then thanks to the influence of Mars, the planet of melted chocolate bars. The sweet-talking sheep means you no good, chuck it off the crag before it can do the same to you. Your lucky colour is a sort of shade mid-way between magnolia and purple. Get the Dulux colour chart out and you may just spot it.

Your outdoor love stars Yes, yes, yes, oh, yes...

Pisces - The Fish - February 20 - March 20

Swim little fishy swim, don't stop, or you'll drown. It's a bugger feeling like an afterthought eh, bit you're the last on the page and my divine astral powers are failing. Tough luck. Your lucky 2006 colour is, erm, red, or maybe turquoise, no, no, I can see blue, I think, or it might be green. What the heck, it's all just superstition and you're not gullible, are you? If this sounds familiar, it's because it's exactly the same as 2004's forecast. Call it deja vu...

Your outdoor love stars Your magnetic personality attracts everyone, people, sheep, climbers, small bits of metal, so choose carefully, particularly as the RSPCA is quite active at the moment. Get it right and 2006 promises to be a riot of romantic bliss as you and your partner climb every mountain, hike every trail and even manage to find tented bliss. Check for false teeth in advance though, it's never nice to find out too late.