Government To Create Rambler Millionaires

OUTDOORSmagic can exclusively reveal that the government is planning to create hundreds of 'rambler millionaires'.

A source at the Ministry of Overcompensation has passed on secret documents outlining the guidelines which will be used to recompense regular walkers for the ravages of foot and mouth disease and many hundreds of thousands of ruined weekends.

The scheme takes into account the number of miles which would have been walked, the cost of losing extra pounds of fat piled on through lack of exercise, the cost of spirits and other alcohol consumed in an effort to avert depression and a notional value based on the distress caused to family and partners of grounded walkers.

Finally, in extreme cases, the figure will take into account wear to carpets caused by fustrated pacing.

So how much will the government give you? Here's our handy OUTDOORSmagic guide to working out just how rich you are about to become:

1. Work out the number of miles you would have walked if foot and mouth hadn't intervened.

2. Multiply it by a random figure between 1000 and 2000. If the number doesn't look big enough, add a couple of noughts.

3. Estimate how much you spend on beer, wine and spirits every year then multiply it by the first figure you reached.

4. Ask your partner if you were bad tempered at all over the foot and mouth period then add another 10,000 to the figure.

5. How much would it cost to re-carpet your house? Have a guess then double it.

6. Finally, to make the sytem balanced and fair, check your boots for wear, if there isn't much, deduct the cost of a re-soling.

The resulting figure is the amount you are due from the government. If it's not enough, add on a few more noughts. Congratulations, you are now a rambler millionaire.

Footnote

Nearly 40 farmers stand to make more than £1 million each in compensation, so far a total of £930 million has been paid in compensation, the highest single payout is apparently £4.2 million. More details.