We bring you an exclusive preview of rambler-hating Nicholas van Hoogstraten's prison book... No really, we do.
You may have heard the news that rambler-hating manslaughter
millionaire Nicholas van Hoogstraten is spending his time behind bars
writing a book.
Now in an exclusive coup, OUTDOORSmagic's underground investigative
reporters have managed to get hold of a plot synopsis of the book,
which we reproduce below:
'Reclusive, kindly millionaire philanthropist Nikolai von
Hogsbreath spends his life helping unfortunate poor people by
providing bargain-priced accommodation, washing their dishes, taking
their dogs for a walk, bathing their feet in aromatherapy oils
etc.
'At the end of an exhausting week, he likes nothing better than to
relax in the garden of his modest cottage in the Sussex countryside,
where he makes up food parcels for refugees and small orphans.
'Then one day his peace and life are shattered. A huge band of
ramblers toting ghetto blasters and selling drugs and pornography
while flashing at locals appears and declares his garden a public
footpath.
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The marque of the
devil...?
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'Alarmed but always reasonable, he remonstrates with them making
reasonable points about his right to privacy in a calm and decent
manner. But to no avail. Soon the ramblers have opened a sex shop and
are openly injecting heroin in his flowerbeds.
'Nikolai can hardly sleep at night. He loves his fellow man, but
these 'ramblers' are the incarnation of pure evil. Eventually he
decides to take drastic action and bolts the garden gate to try and
keep them out.
'Furious, the ramblers forge documents and maps purporting to show
a right of way through the garden. Nikolai reacts the only way he
knows how - with kindness, offering help to get on drug rehab
programmes and making cups of hot tea which he serves with cookies to
the waiting rabble.
'Tragically they really are pure evil and within days have framed
Nikolai for manslaughter. Blameless and decent, Nikolai is convinced
he will be acquitted, then, through a gap in the woodwork, he catches
sight of the jurors' feet. They are all wearing Brasher Boots and red
socks.
'Inevitably he is found unaccountably guilty and sent to prison.
While there he uncovers evidence of a worldwide ramblers' conspiracy
which includes some of the most powerful men and women in the world.
He determines that once he is released from prison, he will make it
his life's work to uncover the truth and free his garden of the
rambler scum forever.'
Then he wakes up... THE END
