Just Like Longleat

If you're out cragging this summer, watch out for a new species of rock-jock - the Guardian reader. Last Saturday the Grauniad ran a piece by Ed Douglas spotlighting 'five climbs for you to try.'

To help you avoid all that namby pamby, hand-wringing liberalism, here are the 'climbs': The Castle, Stanage, Chair Ladder, The Cuillins and Cloggie. Okay, we know they're actually crags, mountain ranges and / or a climbing wall rather than actual climbs, but you just can't egt teh subs these days, know wot I mean. And I certainly do.

Actually four out of five of these venues are safe, since the average Guardian reader can barely acclimatise to conditions outside the M25 - if they leave, a small implant in their brain explodes, with the result that they become aware of reality - and consequently never leaves London.

The sting in the tail is in the small print. 'If you want to experience climbing culture at first hand,' writes Mr Douglas. 'Then pay a visit to Pete's Eats on Llanberis High Street for pints of tea and a good fry up.'

It'll be just like Longleat, but with more grease around... Don't feed the animals darlings.

Disclaimer:Before you start getting shirty about anti-Guardian reader prejudice, I should point out that I am a Guardian reader. The Ed.