Panic As Deadly Athlete's Foot Outbreak Hits UK
Government announces ruthless sock cull as epidemic spreads - dramatic pictures
Posted: 2 March 2001
by Jon
Reports are reaching us of a virulent outbreak of deadly Athlete's
Foot in the UK.
A spokesman for MAFF - the Ministry of Athelete's Feet and Fetid
things - announced that tests on socks collected from a gym near
Woking have confirmed the presence of the deadly fungal infection in
the Surrey area. Within hours reports of further incidents were
flooding in from all over the UK and Milton Keynes.
Athlete's Foot Minister Dick Brown has announced savage measures
to contain the outbreak. All socks within ten miles of infected gyms
and changing rooms must be burned. Initially the measure applies only
to sports socks, but such is the speed of movement of the contagion
that other socks including those funny checked golfing ones may also
be infected.
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Tonight Britain's skies will be
lit up by thousands of burning socks -
it may seem cruel, but it's the only way to cleanse our
changing rooms
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Mountain bikers, walkers and climbers who have showered within the
past week are particularly vulnerable say MAFF and should take
immediate steps to destroy socks which may be infected. MAFF
officials are roaming the country painting black crosses on the doors
of potential infection sites and student houses. If you look outside
and see a black cross on your door, this is what you should do:
• burn any socks and tights in the house, remember to remove
them from your feet first
• proceed to the official MAFF sock
replacement online resource and order fresh socks
• before donning the fresh sock, soak your feet in a mixture
made up of two parts Tabasco sauce to one part household disinfectant
for two hours
What's Next
Already gyms, swimming pools and dodgy massage parlours are being
closed to the public and cordoned off. If these and the above
measures fail to contain the disease, the next step will be a
wholesale cull of student houses and their contents, including
students. Watch this site for further information.
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Your Questions Answered
Can Athlete's Foot be Fatal? Yes,
particularly if you are culled as a preventative
measure.
Can Athlete's Foot be transmitted as a
result of sexual activity? Yes, if you're a
student.
Do I have to burn all my socks?
No, red ones are okay. The Athlete's Foot spores abhor
red and will avoid it at all costs
Is this for real? Absolutely. This
is a crisis of international proportions. It must be viewed
with deadly seriousness. Please e-mail your
friends.
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Discuss this story
I think Roy Hudd was right when he said that there is not such thing as a joke in bad taste there are simply bad jokes. Step forward whoever concocted this "turkey".
Posted: 04/03/2001 at 20:02
I'm looking in the dictionary for the difference between 'sarcasm' and 'irony'... Maybe I should also look up the meaning of 'parody' and apply it to events with the traditional British black 'sense of humour'.
Posted: 04/03/2001 at 20:10
Roy Hudd is a fan of mine. i fail to see this sarcastic parody of an ironic episode. etc.
Posted: 04/03/2001 at 20:50
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