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In the last ever Leeside, Alastair says the EVEREST saga could be the
next big fairground attraction.
The usual cheap Leeside
ploy...
Mt. Everest!!!! Oh no, not another article about the
perils and controversy of the world's highest peak? Well,
not really, just the usual cheap Leeside ploy to grab your
attention.
The critics say the Southeast Ridge, otherwise known as
the 'yak' or 'trade' route is turning into a ride at the
fair. There is some truth in this, you pays your money,
climbs on board, enjoys the thrills and gets the 'I dunnit'
tee-shirt, all under somebody else's conditions,
arrangements and responsibility.
But let's get things in perspective: the 'Big One' at
Blackpool Pleasure Beach is only £4 and a guided
expedition up Everest is £??? ...dunno (try $40,000
Ed.) but more than four quid the last I heard. So Everest
'the real thing' is seriously overpriced - there's obviously
scope here for a bit of canning undercutting...
Everest -The Hard and Fast Way -
just five quid
So, although there may never actually be a line of roller
coaster carriages dropping off the edge of the Grand-daddy's
south face, what I feel sure of, is the inevitable creation
of the new big dipper - 'EVEREST- the HARD AND FAST
WAY'!
That's right £5 and you'll be able to experience all
the rushes, extremes and glories of commercialised
mountaineering, just like the 1,037 people who've summited
the world's highest peak so far.
Ideally it would be be sited somewhere on the east coast
of the UK so as to be closer to the real thing. An
undeveloped outpost like Whitby would no doubt benefit from
such an investment although I'm sure the local committee at
Skegness would have something to say about that!
'Ride The Mighty
Himalaya!'
Imagine what a fabulous experience it would be. I can see
it now 'RIDE THE MIGHTY HIMALAYA' splattered across every
tourist information centre in the land. The BIG ONE? Pah!
This is the BIGGEST ONE... EVER!
After queuing for the 'Hard and Fast Way', several times,
with different size backpacks, and clambering through a mock
polystyrene icefall, you'd pick your way over mannequin
dummies dressed in loads of old kit, piles of shredded tents
and heaps of empty oxygen bottles - think Famous Army Store
- and then, and only then, inside the down-insulated
carriage for the 'ride to the top of the world'.
There'd be all sorts of realistic features to simulate
that special Everest ambience. Simulated strong winds could
rip the punters' gloves off in white-out conditions, before
special 'black finger boxes' would then clasp the hands,
lowering the temperature of the digits to potential
frostbite depths before random blows with a rubber mallet
gave that authentic blackened look to the tips.
Doug's huge head
rolls...
From the ensuing blizzard a spiritual figure could
appear; a sort of a hybrid Dali Lama/Doug Scott hologram,
beautifully projected onto a painted mountain backdrop. All
to recreate the sort of high resolution, altitude-induced
hallucination, standard at about 7000m. This would also
inject a touch of essential light relief as Doug's huge head
rolls around on the Lama's wafer-thin body distracting you
from your now rather painful mitts.
For further realism, an oxygen mask with an integral
ice-crusted beard would be donned pulling the clients even
further into the glamorous world of high altitude
mountaineering - a few drags on the mask and the Dougi Lama
would fade away and the ride lurch back into action.
As the apex of the tour loomed, the carriage would jolt
to an unexpected standstill, a puzzling feature on a journey
that's supposed to be hard and fast? That's until you
realise that there are in fact many carriages in a long
line, all waiting to get through one of the highlights of
the ascent, famously referred to as; 'The Hillary
Jamboree'.
We knocked the bastard
off!
Once through the Jamboree, it's upwards and onwards to
the top passing pairs of collapsing mountaineers mumbling
regrets on the way. Having arrived at the peak a quick
photograph with the national flag of your choice is taken. A
pre-recorded message by Sir Ed himself guffaws 'We knocked
the bastard off' just before the carriage plummets
earthbound like a cascading team of Austrians from the North
Face of the Eiger.
Unfortunately there's a sad ending. Staying true to the
controversy and history of Chomolungma, every so often the
rails of the ride break and a tragic accident occurs. Some
of the passengers killed, others go missing and soometimes
the theme park company are sued. Of course the positive side
to an accident on such a famous ride is that all the
survivors get to write a best-selling book.
Nah, that'd never work. Who'd start reading something
just because it said Everest on it?
© Alastair Lee is a
climber, photographer and performer currently touring with
his new show Made in China. Check out www.posingproductions.com.
The Lee Side used to appear monthly in On The Hill magazine, our
off line print partners - which was ideal for reading at those times
when your monitor's out of reach and you've reversed over
your laptop again.
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