Weekend 3/4 Feb 2001
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In the light of
the foot and mouth crisis, today we're bringing you our
highly accurate weather indoors weather forecast for this
weekend. Remember that conditions can vary locally and make
sure you carry extra clothing when you go out. Seriously
though, as you're almost certainly aware, most of the
countryside is effectively off limits right now - see our
regularly
updated reports - so make the
most of what else is on offer and try not to fret.
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The Cinema
Mainly dry with scattered showers of
crisps and, in some cinemas, regurgitated cola. Temperatures
should hover around the 17-degree C mark with light breezes
from the air conditioning. Thundery outbreaks mean you're at
an action film, sadder features could be accompanied by the
threat of precipitation later on. Cinema
Guide
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The Gym
Similar conditions to the cinema but less
entertaining. Distant thunder from the heavy weights room
may disturb your equilibrium and watch out for rising
temperatures later on as the room becomes more crowded.
Cooling breezes near the rowing machine. The showers should
see heavy precipitation late in the day, but the rain will
be mostly warm, you hope.
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The Pub
Severe pollution problems caused by smoke
output from industrial areas together with hot, humid
atmosphere will make for a Mexico City style climate in your
local. Watch out for sudden deluges followed by table-top
floods. Cooler conditions will revail in the conveniences
with scattered service behind the bar. Calorie count high.
Beware showers of darts.
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The Pool
Flooding is a certainty. Take your
umbrella.
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The Front Room
Combine pool, pub, gym and cinema and
you'll get some idea of the likely conditions in your front
room. Climate varues wildly between houses and conditions
locally can be very severe with scattered outbreaks of
television and drum and bass. More romantic areas may see
local smooching followed by more frenzied activity in any
part of the room. Watch out for the effects of precipitaion
on sofas and other soft furnishings.
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The Climbing Wall
Low visibility due to clouds of chalk
dust plus occasional sudden falls of climbers.
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The Shops
A warm front is settled permanently over
most shops. Desert-like conditions will see soaring
temperatures and desicated atmosphere. Watch out for
localised high winds from above as you enter the automatic
doors and strong localsied lighting. Scattered jostling
could cause problems in some locations. Watch out for credit
card suck.
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The Aerobics Class
Scary atmospheric effects brought on by
an occluded front as displaced outdoor people meet gym
bunnies in tight Lycra. Pleasant appearance tempered by
hideous sound effect storm. Steer clear for your own
protection.
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Overall Check the local conditions from the
chart above and dress appropriately. Try not to confuse the
specialised protective clothing required for some of these
environments - wearing a Lycra crop top and shorts in the pub may,
for example, result in unfortunate atmospheric effects. Try to have a
good one, and if you can't, well, why not get a cheap flight
somewhere warm? Always carry a plastic survival bag, you never know
when it might come in useful, er, do you.
