Please Do Not Feed The Climbers...

'The first one to fall off,' smiled Frederic with smouldering gallic charm, 'buys the beers...'

It has seemed quite amusing the previous night, just before he'd told me that he'd never climbed before, ever and just after I'd been informed with more, added gallic charm that we'd be climbing together by Claire from our hosts, French brand Eider.

Where it all begins - downtown Chamonix

Now, crouched by the exit to the Aiguille du Midi telepherique station at 3,800 metres odd, as Frederic looked at his crampons with the easy familiarity of a man handed a book written in 17th Century Hungarian script, it didn't seem quite so amusing.

OM were in Chamonix as guests of French brand Eider who were determined to show us not only that their gear was very nice, but also that their mountains were much better than ours. Which is how we came to be whisked rapidly by cable car from the centre of town to a glorified tube station with a razor-edged snow arete in place of an escalator.

Just 20 minutes from the centre of Cham...

As Frederic attempted to attach his crampons with the front points facing backwards, our long-suffering guide Jerome, one of the world's top boarders - he was short-suffering at this point, but give it time - roped us all together doggy style, decided I looked marginally more competent than my French companion and that I'd better lead the way.

The arete is the only way out of the station and looks famously alarming from above. In fact it's relatively easy with crampons and the stunning views across the Col du Midi snow bowl beneath the Aiguille, up at Mont Blanc, across towards Italy and as far as the Matterhorn, crust the place with stardust. It's amazing and the sheer speed of access somehow ups the impact. Think Disneyland in the Alps.

Gearing up at the start of the Arete des Cosmiques

Somehow I'd managed to forget to climb in the Alps, going straight from Scottish winter mountaineering to big Andean things, but that was about to be sorted out with a guided ascent of the Arete des Cosmiques, a rocky ridge that ends, rather conveniently, back at the telepherique station.

And the benign start of the route itself...

It's a short plod to the start of the route, but one in astonishing scenery and fringed with rocky outcrops of golden red Chamonix granite and it was great to feel the crunch of crampons on neve again and feel the small, sharp tug of altitude against my lungs.

Looking up at the start of the Cosmiques is massively daunting, a razor sharp fin of granite climbing into the blue sky at a crazy angle. Actually I lied, it looks gentle and blocky, easy even, like a Scottish mixed ridge with the rocks sitting cheek by jowel with patches of snow.

A jumble of slabs, spikes and cracks cascading upwards towards the Aiguille Midi itself

In fact it looked nice, very, very nice. Jerome looked us over with the easy superiority perfected by French mountain guides over the years in Chamonix bars and stomped into action with a brisk: 'We go!'

As you may know Chamonix guides have a hard-won reputation for brisk progress and our man was no exception. He led the way expertly, Frederic came next and I brought up the rear. The first section of the ridge is pretty straightforward. Big blocky holds, comforting ledges, open grooves and chimnies, all very Scottish mixed.

Not a bad view out across the valley :-)

Jeeome forged ahead with the compact grace of a mountain goat, over blocks, through snow patches, round blind corners, just pausing occasionally to safeguard exposed bits and to make sure we were still there...

If you're not used to being guided, it's a strange experience. Like being on a fairground ride, you've paid your money, been strapped in, now all you have to do is hold on tight and enjoy the ride. No responsibility beyond your personal climbing, no involvement in mountaineering decisions. It's climbing Jim, but not as we know it... sort of a combination of mountains and Eurodisney.

Erm, we're going up there? Right...

The climbing itself was mellow with fantastic views, until I absent-mindedly stepped up onto a big block and found myself face-to-face with a crampon. I paused, picked it up and looked up at Frederic.

'Frederic!' I yelled. 'Is this yours?' The man from Gore France looked down at his spikeless left foot and nodded helplessly. I looked at Jean. Jerome looked at me. Frederic looked at Jerome. Jerome shrugged a cool gallic shrug and gestured to me to clip the crampon to my harness then, wordlessly forged ahead with no reduction in speed whatsoever.

At the next wide ledge, I handed the errant crampon to our guide. He looked at it quizzically and stowed it decisively in his pack. Frederic, it seemed, was going to be climbing with one crampon from then on. Fortunately he didn't seem to mind. Perhaps he simply didn't know any different.

Where it all begins - downtown Chamonix

As the ridge climbed slowly, the views opened up with the chimney on top of the Aiguille poking and occasional blackish finger into the blue of the sky. Not much time to look though, with Jerome forging on across small, exposed traverses and up small steps. Ocassionally he'd disappear round a corner, then pop up moments later on some ridgey sky-lined block.

Crampons scraping on rock, fingers tight on rough, sharp-edged holds and Frederic? Frederic with his one crampon was climbing like a star, hardly seeming to notice apart from one step up on a snowy ledge.

Every so often jerome would pause to hurl another party off the ridge. Okay, he didn't really, but he had the look of a man who would happily have done so if only he could have...

Suddenly the way was barred by an, ahem, fearful precipice. Oh, okay, a 30-metre drop. "No problem," said jerome wordlessly - somehow he managed to communicate with wordless precision - "I will lower you."

'Whoever falls first will buy the beer' - Frederic Jean coiling ropes behind

Seconds later I was hurtling downwards at a speed so fast I could barely move my legs fast enough to push off the rock, almost decapitating the leader of a team of downclimbing Germans on the way. 'Hey!' he admonished me. All I could do was point wordlessly at the guide above and practice my gallic shrugs.

Things suddenly get steep, but that rock is grippy and besides, there's aid...

Seconds later Frederic hurtled downwards and appeared at my side before Jerome himself bounced SAS-style from his perch and forged off around a corner dragging Frederic after him. As the ridge narrowed the climbing became more interesting until we reached a short, steep wall festooned with a bolt and hanging slings. Crampons were removed leaving naked Vibram rubber to cling to the astonishingly grippy Chamonix granite.

And from another, steeper looking angle :-)

Brits instinctively try to climb the inviting diagonal and do-able crack under the bolt, but in Disney-guide-world, it's an aid move involving stepping up through three slings. Fast but somehow unsatisfying. And from there it was all over, bar the shrugging.

A few more steep walls and grooves, an awkward back bridging move onto a ledge, a tantilising glimpse of the station viewing platform and it's done. A short pause on a wide, flat ledge then a short traverse and up a ladder over the safety barrier and onto the viewing platform with it's goggling tourists.

All over bar the climbing up a ladder onto the viewing platform... OM editor Jon Doran (right), Jerome the guide (left)

Welcome to the zoo. Please do not feed the climbers... Strangely you hardly seem to register the people around you. They don't feel like they belong. Or exist. Weird.

And of course, because this was a Eurodisney Production for Eider and it was lunchtime, we hopped the next car down to the Midi Plain station for a lavish French-style picnic in the meadows below the Aiguille before hiking gently along the Midi Plain Traverse with its stunning mountain views and a night at the amazing Montenvers Refuge. Not only fantastic, easy access alpine climbing, but astonishing walking too...

Not a bad lunch spot either...

See what I mean about them showing off their mountains? And there was more. Next morning we descended the ten-odd ladders down onto the vast Mer de Glace glacier - it helps if you have a head for heights, or apparently if you're a local guide, several of whom descended at breakneck pace facing outwards... After a stroll up the glacier, we spent several happy hours playing at ice-climbing on some handy crevasse walls. Nice. In July.

The mer de Glace - astounding.

So, okay French people, you win, your mountains are nicer than ours, or at least bigger and more versatile. A strange place though Chamonix. Undeniably beautiful. Indubitably user friendly. Unquestionably a little bit like Eurodisney. But hey, what's wrong with Eurodisney, after all there's a bit of kid inside us all...

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The Practical Bit

Clothing and Equipment supplied by Eider and Charlet Moser (hardware), as we've already reported the Eider Gore-tex clothing we used was very impressive. In particular, the Windstopper pants we used, which we've often found too sweaty in UK conditions were ideal for the cold, dry atmosphere of the Alps where they breathed more freely.

We should have some Eider clothing for test later in the year and it's available in a small number of UK shops. See www.eider.fr for more details about the range and stockists.

The Route The Arete des Cosmiques - Arete des Cosmiques - Aiguille du Midi, AD-. 450m - is a classic beginner's route in the Chamonix area. It reminded us of a big Scottish winter mixed route, but is easily accessible from and finished at the station on the Aiguille du Midi. Some info on this page.

If you're unsure of your ability, you can contact the Chamonix Guides via their web site or a qualified British mountain guide at the British Mountain Guides site.

Chamonix The easiest way to reach Chamonix these days is via Genva airport an hour or so away on the other side of the Swiss border. Budget airline Ryanair, among others, flies there from several UK airports including Gatwick and Liverpool. It's actually quicker for most Brits to reach Cham than Scotland...

Thanks To everyone at Eider, especially Claire, to Jerome, our guide and particularly to Frederic for not falling off at any point, even when climbing with a single crampon.

Last but not least, those ladders...